Kids

[Adamski]

Do we have one of these threads?

I was sitting with my little one last night, just before bedtime and just finished reading a story.

She was on my lap facing towards me, having a cuddle and she looked up at me lovingly, yawned then projectile fucking vomited all over me 4 times. It was like the fucking exorcist, big chunks of carrot and mince.

I was in on my own as well so I just sat there for a good 5 minutes before summoning the strength to move and run a bath.

Brutal.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I've just been invited to a 1st birthday party. 'Soft play area available'. I don't know who the hell they think I am.

[Adamski]

Two words to strike fear into any man.

At least you won't have a kid there so don't have to get involved.

You can just stay at the back and try not to feel like a sex offender.

[Boydy]

That gave me a good lol, thanks Adamski.

[Disco]

A 1st birthday party?

So it'll be populated almost entirely by people who either don't know what's going on or don't care because they're only there out of politeness.

[Jimmy Floyd]

He's since texted me an explanation saying he's inviting a few of us who have 'made the effort to visit'. I was visiting him, his baby just happened to be there. Christ, life is like this now isn't it. Shoot me.

[Adamski]

A 1st birthday party?

So it'll be populated almost entirely by people who either don't know what's going on or don't care because they're only there out of politeness.

They don't have any friends at that age so we just invited our friends who have kids and our friends who didn't. The friends with kids disappear pretty early and the rest of us (baby included) got smashed.

[Shindig]

Became an Uncle yesterday. Looking forward to meeting the nameless lad. Aye, they not only wanted the sex to be a surprise but also forgot to come up with names in advance.

[Raoul Duke]

He's since texted me an explanation saying he's inviting a few of us who have 'made the effort to visit'. I was visiting him, his baby just happened to be there. Christ, life is like this now isn't it. Shoot me.

Yep. Of my main group of friends there's only two couple (us and another) who don't have kids yet. I reckon I've got about 1-2 years of #freedom before it's on like Donkey Kong. I'm pretty much ready now, so not too fussed if it happens.

[Spikey M]

My little one has/had reflux so projectile vomiting was pretty common until recently. She has got it in my mouth twice so far.

[Giggles]

We won't be having any. The fact neither of us really likes them is outweighing the need for someone to wipe your chin when you're old.

[Adamski]

Yep. Of my main group of friends there's only two couple (us and another) who don't have kids yet. I reckon I've got about 1-2 years of #freedom before it's on like Donkey Kong. I'm pretty much ready now, so not too fussed if it happens.

I reckon I could have done with another year (we got pregnant 6 weeks after the delayed honeymoon) but can't really complain.

[Adamski]

My little one has/had reflux so projectile vomiting was pretty common until recently. She has got it in my mouth twice so far.

We've had limited sick, that was by far the worst.

Chicken pox at 7 months wasn't great.

[Offshore Toon]

I'm Godfather to my best mate's two kids. They've definitely changed my mind about having kids, plus if I knock up a tall lass I can live out my missed opportunities through my son. Seriously, though, I've learnt a lot from slowly having to put right the shit job my parents did. I reckon in 10 years I'll be ready. I'll be an old dad at 36, but I doubt its that far from the average these days.

[mo]

2 1/2 month old girl. Think we've been pretty lucky to this point; she's not that sicky, now regularly sleeps through the night. Think poo explosions are the worst we have to deal with, so making the most of it at the moment, as I'm sure there will be bigger hurdles along the road.

[Adamski]

Been really lucky with sleeping too.

7pm-7am 99% of the time since she was born.

[mo]

Been really lucky with sleeping too.

7pm-7am 99% of the time since she was born.

My boss's kid is a year old, still breastfed so he's up multiple times a night. God only knows how they do it.

[Baz]

Best part about having kids is surely picking the name. My wife and I talk about names a fair bit but only because I bring it up when I think of a top one. So far she's ruled out Murray, Buck, Ram, Baz Jr, Earl, and more I've forgot. We agreed on Arthur but she soon changed her mind when I insisted on Slice as a middle name. Working on it though.

As for girls names, my jizz is too masculine to even waste time thinking about it. If she cheats and gets banged up by a gay man and I agree to father the bastard, she will be called Cricket or Sweet Adeline. :thbup:

My mate had a kid in September and he was already pillow soft (ayo Sincere) since he met his now-wife (who another mate originally fingered on a lads holiday and shagged her when we came home, but I've told that story before) but it's become excruciating since the baby came along. We have a group message with eight of us to sort out important stuff like day seshes and nights out, and I text the other day asking who was going to a surprise 30th tonight. Soft lad with the kid replied: 'Us.' Us! Read: my wife and child are bringing me but leaving my bollocks at home, or possibly in the wife's handbag. It's especially annoying because his wife is actually quite entertaining but now she is just a mum, and has no interest in being anything else, so she's boring.

The lad who's 30th it is is expecting with his wife, and one of my wife's mates (her only good one, but she's cool so makes up for the rest of the twats) is also pregnant. I've had the "you'll be next" patter but I very much doubt it. I'm friends with two others who were married last year (like all the cool kids, ayo Kiko & CJ (& wullie?)) and they'll probably at least get pregnant before the years out, so it wouldn't be the end of the world except for one thing: I hate kids. Despise them. They're disgusting. The fact that they drool ERRYWHERE for the first two years of their life is enough to put me off ever having unprotected sex tbh.

[Offshore Toon]

You're married as well?!

[Offshore Toon]

Also, if you're going to have Slice as a middle name your first name has to be Kimbo.

[Baz]

You're married as well?!

Also, if you're going to have Slice as a middle name your first name has to be Kimbo.Arthur Slice has more longevity. And yeah, not see all the pics on Facebook? :hubba:

[Offshore Toon]

Arthur Slice has more longevity. And yeah, not see all the pics on Facebook? :hubba:
I've got a Kimbo Slice t-shirt, and from experience at festivals I can assure you people won't be forgetting Kimbo Slice any time soon.

I don't really look at my news feed. I'll have a look once I get my account back.

[Kikó]

I think I've got two years before she wants go time. Can't imagine bringing a kid up in London so it'll mean either we can suddenly afford a decent house or we're in another country.

[Magic]

Mine pissed in my bed when I was away, must have been that cosy and comfy using my spring pillow, 400 thread count Egyptian cotton bedding and goose feather quilt. This resulted in us sleeping on two shitey zed beds in the living room for 2 nights until the mattress dried out. I use the term 'sleeping' in it's loosest possible sense. Fun times.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Only 400? You poor sap.

[Shindig]

Mine pissed in my bed when I was away, must have been that cosy and comfy using my spring pillow, 400 thread count Egyptian cotton bedding and goose feather quilt.

Humble brag.

[Magic]

I use 400 for winter and 200 for summer.

[Magic]

£70 quid for a 1000 thread count fitted sheet. :D

£40 for a single pillowcase. :|

£210 for the duvet cover. Lol.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I'm on 500 for pillow with 800 on sheet and duvet.

Those 1000 count prices are fucking mental.

[Magic]

We were at the Highland wildlife park in December. It was pissing it down as we were watching the Amur tiger feed. The keeper asked if anyone had any questions. There were about 12 of us and nobody asked. Then my little girl said she had one. It was:

"The tigers have stripes on their bodies, why is that?"

I was like WOAH. That's some decent investigative questioning right there. She's only 4.

[Adamski]

5:15 human alarm clock every day for the last 6.

I love you but for fucks sake.

[Magic]

You have a kid mate, we get it.

[Adamski]

I note your kid posts have died down a bit now.

I can only assume she's become a bit more self cognitive.

[Spammer]

Self cognitive :happycry:

[Adamski]

Oh God, has Dr Nick got a PHD in this as well?

[Spammer]

:drool:

[Jimmy Floyd]

Beats the canine alarm clock in our house, tbh.

[Giggles]

I wake around they time every morning anyway and I'm brat free.

[mo]

Not to rub it in but I got a lie in until 6:45 today (and she slept through).

[Spikey M]

Took the little one to a 'Soft Play' today which had 2 fucking birthday parties. It was a nightmare, although Custards nonce cousin would have loved the ball pit.

In sleeping news - I am so used to getting barely any sleep that it hardly matters if she wakes at 5 or 7. She's teething at the moment so sleep has been broken for a good month or so now.

[Magic]

Mine has been an incredible sleeper from day dot. :)

[Adamski]

Not to rub it in but I got a lie in until 6:45 today (and she slept through).

Aye she's slept straight through from about 2 months so I can't really complain. I say she's getting up at 5:15 but she's still going down at 7:15.

[Adamski]

Mine has been an incredible sleeper from day dot. :)

Cause you're a boring bastard.

[Magic]

Cause you're a boring bastard.

No because I'm not a retard like you.

[Adamski]

Talk us through an airport.

[Magic]

Talk us though parenting.

[Adamski]

She slept for 10.5 hours and doesn't live in Dundee. Next.

[Magic]

Better than Govanhill.

[Dquincy]

Anyone do 'cry it out' technique with their little one? Aka self soothing.

[Boydy]

Sometimes I cry it out.

[Spikey M]

Anyone do 'cry it out' technique with their little one? Aka self soothing.

Our little one had colic and reflux so she was really, really shit at sleeping up until 6 months. We had to co-sleep and only got her in her cot at 8 months using controlled crying. it's horrible but it works. She now (unless teething or growth spurting) sleeps 7-7, although she still cries herself to sleep like a massive Mahow/Boydy sometimes.

[Dquincy]

Our little one had colic and reflux so she was really, really shit at sleeping up until 6 months. We had to co-sleep and only got her in her cot at 8 months using controlled crying. it's horrible but it works. She now (unless teething or growth spurting) sleeps 7-7, although she still cries herself to sleep like a massive Mahow/Boydy sometimes.

Thanks for this, interesting and helpful to read. My little man is 8 months and my wife is at the opposite end of the scale with controlled crying. Any excuse to not do it. She will feed him or cuddle him to sleep, then transfer into cot.

He's an average sleeper (for a baby), a standard night would be he wakes at 10pm and then once again during the night when we're asleep. Gets fed both times.

Reading about 8 month sleep regression as well...

[mo]

As good a place as any to ask - neither of us can get little'un down to nap during the day without her being rested on one of us. Any ideas how to get her to nap on her own?

[Adamski]

We've got a wee nightlight/nursery rhyme elephant thing which she loved when she was smaller. Just used to put her in the cot and stick that on and she nodded off.

Been quite lucky with the sleeping tbh so can't really complain or offer much more help!

[Magic]

Thanks for this, interesting and helpful to read. My little man is 8 months and my wife is at the opposite end of the scale with controlled crying. Any excuse to not do it. She will feed him or cuddle him to sleep, then transfer into cot.

He's an average sleeper (for a baby), a standard night would be he wakes at 10pm and then once again during the night when we're asleep. Gets fed both times.

Reading about 8 month sleep regression as well...

Can't cry with a cock in his mouth mate.

[Dquincy]

Its 2.30am. He shat himself at 1am and has refused to go back to sleep. For fucks sake.

Wife won't let me leave him in the cot to cry it out, nor on the side of the road.

Got to go to a 1 yr old birthday party tomorrow to top it off.

[Offshore Toon]

My mate's kid rules the roost a bit and I do wonder how much of it is giving in (a.k.a. lazy parenting, but saying that is a death wish). He's a fussy eater and I asked why they don't just force him to have what he's given. "No, but X really is the fussiest eater in the world." Aye, your child just so happens to be the one child that can't be dealt with, so fair enough for giving in. As a product of lazy parenting I know first hand that if you give kids an inch they'll take a mile, so I try to use that to frame anything I offer on the situation, but people really don't like taking advice when it comes to their kids, do they?

[Dquincy]

My wife won't do cry it out as she doesn't like him being upset. But on the flip side, she's got a cracking figure.

[Offshore Toon]

Babies get upset for no reason all the time. They love it.

[Dquincy]

But what about my wife's figure?

[Adamski]

Do you think she tells her friends you've got cracking chat?

[Giggles]

A 1 year olds birthday party? What's the fucking point of that?

[niko_cee]

'Cry it out' is for bastards. Self-soothing. That's right little bongo (I once heard a child named this being called in the park - of curse it was in Brighton) no one is coming. Deal with that.

As regards the fussy eating, it's much easier said than done Offy and is along the self-soothing sleep theory as well. A (hopefully) small amount of managed misery to (hopefully) elicit long term gain. Too much hope in there for me. I suppose you could give them a dinner they won't eat and then shut them in a room to cry themselves to sleep. A1 parenting.

You may think you do, but you do not have a stronger will than a toddler. They will break you.

[Magic]

My wife won't do cry it out as she doesn't like him being upset. But on the flip side, she's got a cracking figure.

Pics?

[Offshore Toon]

But what about my wife's figure?
I'd need to see pictures before commenting.

'Cry it out' is for bastards. Self-soothing. That's right little bongo (I once heard a child named this being called in the park - of curse it was in Brighton) no one is coming. Deal with that.

As regards the fussy eating, it's much easier said than done Offy and is along the self-soothing sleep theory as well. A (hopefully) small amount of managed misery to (hopefully) elicit long term gain. Too much hope in there for me. I suppose you could give them a dinner they won't eat and then shut them in a room to cry themselves to sleep. A1 parenting.

You may think you do, but you do not have a stronger will than a toddler. They will break you.
At what point do things change? Once you can communicate properly with them? My mate lets the kid decide on everything and even then the kid might still refuse to eat. It just seems like there must be a better way, but I suppose there might not be.

[Giggles]

The days of a good clatter were a big loss. Put manners on them and does them no harm.

[Dquincy]

Do you think she tells her friends you've got cracking chat?

Like you, she loves it Little John. And my massive cock.

[Magic]

You are a massive cock.

[niko_cee]

At what point do things change? Once you can communicate properly with them? My mate lets the kid decide on everything and even then the kid might still refuse to eat. It just seems like there must be a better way, but I suppose there might not be.

Yeah, them becoming able to better understand things helps. I think a lot of the tough love methods/highly routine based things can work on children in isolation. So if you're into that, just have 1.

As regards sleeping and eating. Some kids sleep, some don't. Some kids eat all sorts, some don't. It probably all evens out in the end but when they're young it's more trouble than it's worth trying to force change (unless the need is dire).

[Adamski]

A 1 year olds birthday party? What's the fucking point of that?

They are fucking great. Just a good excuse for a piss up seeing as the kid doesn't have any pals yet.

[Magic]

No people who get pissed at kids parties are wrong uns.

[Adamski]

I know it's supposed to be a coherent sentence but I just can't get a handle on it.

[Magic]

It's really no surprise my advanced social analysis is beyond your single cell powers of comprehension.

[Spikey M]

A 1 year olds birthday party? What's the fucking point of that?

In Great Britain it is custom to celebrate the day of ones birth on a yearly basis.

[Giggles]

In Great Britain it is custom to celebrate the day of ones birth on a yearly basis.

When the person who's birthday it is doesn't have a clue what's happening? They're still a blob at that stage.

[Spikey M]

When the person who's birthday it is doesn't have a clue what's happening? They're still a blob at that stage.

Depends on the kid really, some 1 year olds are still starey mongs, some are walking and starting to talk. Our little one doesn't have a concept of a Birthday, but she knows she enjoys running around and playing, so why not? It was basically just a family gathering with a cake.

[Offshore Toon]

Yeah, 1st birthdays are pretty fun from experience. Giggles would hate being around people, so it's not for him. It's basically an open day for people to see the child.

[Shindig]

It's an occasion for the family, definitely.

[Dquincy]

They are fucking great. Just a good excuse for a piss up seeing as the kid doesn't have any pals yet.

What is wrong with you. Using a kids party to get pissed up is all sorts of weird.

[Magic]

:)

We're cut from the same cloth, Quimce.

[niko_cee]

Nothing wrong with a few beers at a kids birthday party, although "piss up" might be taking it a bit far.

[Dquincy]

:)

We're cut from the same cloth, Quimce.

You know it, hombre.

[Adamski]

:)

We're cut from the same cloth, Quimce.

Good.

[niko_cee]

Unlucky, I mean, congratulations.

[Magic]

:D

Oh my God.

[Offshore Toon]

Surely you won't keep it?

[Magic]

:lol:

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I think he'll make an excellent Dad.

[Magic]

He'll be like yours

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

He'll be like yours

Sadly he never got his hands on any self help books.

[Dquincy]

Are you the father?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

His furball puppy is.

[Offshore Toon]

You still managing to not drink? I'd really suggest knocking alcoholism on the head completely if you're going to have the child.

[Shindig]

And he's one 30-minute argument away from the sack.

[Dquincy]

Well i say congratulations. It's the best (and most challenging) experience you'll ever have.

Get rid of the dog tho. Go the way of old yeller...

[Magic]

I've been showing my daughter videos of Hitler and his speeches to try and make her a confident, respected, feminist well versed leader of women, a true bastion of her gender. She likes languages too so it's a two for one. Can't really think of any other great public speakers? Obama?

[Kikó]

Corbyn.

There are a load on Ted talks. the

[Magic]

Jesus, £122 on fucking school uniform.

I really don't think the school colour clasps were necessary, nor the fleecy jacket...I'll have to give her a doing for being such a nerd.

[Spikey M]

I don't know how 'doing' can mean anything non-sexual, so I'm going to assume you're a nonce.

[niko_cee]

I'm sure you could buy a lifetime's supply of school uniform from ASDA for that much, so can only assume there's some sort of blazer shenanigans going on there. Or, you know, shoes are being factored in. Fucking shoes.

[Raoul Duke]

£122? Is it Versace?

[Magic]

£122? Is it Versace?

Was it on sale?

[mo]

Little one is nine months old now and a complete handful. Energetic, physically strong and enjoying discovering the world around her. She's the antithesis of me right now :cab:

[Jimmy Floyd]

I've become acquainted with a couple of people's kids either side of 1 year old of late, and it really is a quality age. An opportunity for massive, untrammelled fun around every corner.

[Mazuuurk]

What the hell are you doing to them?

[Magic]

Little un had a PIPS test (thanks SNP!) at school one week in and already a test, bullshit!

Anyway one of the questions was:

What is 7 more than 3?

She answered: Yes

She'll go far. :cool:

[John]

What a stupid way to format a maths question.

[Boydy]

What's a PIPS test?

[Magic]

For five year old kids as well. Get to fuck. Clearly I'm going to have to inspire learning at home.

[Boydy]

What a stupid way to format a maths question.

Yeah, it really is. Surely they haven't even done any addition or subtraction a fucking week into school?

[Baz]

Little un had a PIPS test (thanks SNP!) at school one week in and already a test, bullshit!

Anyway one of the questions was:

What is 7 more than 3?

She answered: Yes

She'll go far. :cool:Ten.

Tell her.

[Magic]

Yeah, it really is. Surely they haven't even done any addition or subtraction a fucking week into school?

She can we do it at home but certainly not worded like that.

[Boydy]

Y'know, I actually read that differently to Baz and thought it was asking essentially how much more than 7 is 3? So it'd be 4.

So definitely stupidly worded.

[John]

It is stupidly worded, but you've also read it stupidly.

Magic's five year old's interpretation is more intelligent than that.

[Boydy]

Go fuck yourself.

[mugbull]

It is stupidly worded, but you've also read it stupidly.

Magic's five year old's interpretation is more intelligent than that.

Thanks mate! :thbup:

[John]

Go fuck yourself.

Cool down and have another read of your post.


Thanks mate! :thbup:

There's another poster who follows me around posting the same shit no matter what I've said. He hasn't held conversations with himself using two accounts, but he does talk about himself in the third person and make puns of his own name. Maybe you two can start a little club.

[Magic]

Yer clubs deid mate.

[Boydy]

Cool down and have another read of your post.


I'm kidding. I know I read it wrong.


Although:

What is 7 more than 3?

7 is 4 more than 3.

Kinda makes sense?

[John]

I'm kidding. I know I read it wrong.


Although:

What is 7 more than 3?

7 is 4 more than 3.

Kinda makes sense?

And you typod a different interpretation in that post. 'How much more than 7 is 3.'

[Boydy]

Oh yeah, didn't realise that. I just typed that wrong.

[Giggles]

Stop being a mong Boydy.

[Shindig]

Looks like I'm being sized up to babysit the nephew. Aweome. He likes grabbing things. My plan is to sit him in front of a TV and play Rez to see if it does owt for him.

[John]

I'm not sure I'd trust you with the Sky remote, never mind a human child.

[mugbull]

There's another poster who follows me around posting the same shit no matter what I've said. He hasn't held conversations with himself using two accounts, but he does talk about himself in the third person and make puns of his own name. Maybe you two can start a little club.

Nah sorry mate, no time for that. Gotta be efficient with my daylight you know?

[Shindig]

I'm not sure I'd trust you with the Sky remote, never mind a human child.

You used to be so full of compliments. :(

[Spikey M]

The standards at Oxbridge. :sick:

[Spikey M]

My wife gave birth to our son (by c-section) yesterday, and as happy as I am with the addition, this is fucking tough.

So, having your body cut in half to get a person out of you, turns out that’s quite tough. Turns out your body doesn’t work properly for a while. Turns out a 2 year old doesn’t get this. Turns out she still wants to climb on mum. Turns out mum could be hospitalised again if she does. Turns out this upsets 2 year olds. Turns out my wife can’t feed baby without my help. Turns out I struggle under this sort of pressure. Turns out not being able to help upsets my wife.

Started as a rant, ended as a poem. Not bad.

[Boydy]

It didn't get your headsize genes then?


Congrats.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Stiff upper lip, old thing.

[Spikey M]

It didn't get your headsize genes then?


Congrats.

His nut needs a 0-3 month hat already. For those of you not versed in kids sizes, the typical structure is Newborn, 0-1, 0-3.

He must get it from the wifes/milkman’s side of the family.

[Disco]

If it had taken after Spikey they'd have had trouble keeping it in not getting it out.

[Spikey M]

Stiff upper lip, old thing.

Speaking of stiff.

‘Turns out’ baby boys get, erm, stimulated, when being changed. So there.

[Baz]

FFS, take it to r/babystiffy

I’ll see you there. :henn0rz:

[mo]

Am likely to face exactly your situation in a few months Spikey. Nice to know I'm fucked early on.