News of the day

[Jimmy Floyd]

He's got a 'thriller' out, of course (I can't read thrillers as I find them so boring).

[John Arne]

Who is Robert Peston, and why should I be interested in his political animal confessions?

[Lofty]

Supposed to be one of the A list political journalists in the UK but always been a bit weird.

[Yevrah]

There was a time when the broadsheet newspapers in this country had a modicum of decorum. And then there's now.

[Spikey M]

Dunno where to put this but I just saw it on Twitter:
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E9Qp280XIAE7QtB?format=jpg&name=large

Fuck's sake. :D




:lol:

[Queenslander]

Big turnout for the refugee solidarity march yesterday.

https://i.ibb.co/ThS8GNP/234080115-356608559349077-9116411527968327619-n.jpg (https://ibb.co/WKwyXRB)

[Spikey M]

Ahhh, masked up protests / 'solidarity marches' to ease the boredom of lockdowns. Good memories. :happycry:

[Queenslander]

No lockdown in Brisbane currently. I would have preferred if this mob and the anti vax/freedom mob had both booked their protests for the the Saturday for my amusement.

[Baz]

https://www.sthelensstar.co.uk/news/19529386.tributes-pour-death-much-loved-st-helens-character-johnny-welly/

The towns legit shook by this fella finally passing. RIP Johnny Wellies.

[Spikey M]

1429685742691835907?s=19

:cab:

[Ian]

We're definitely a proper country though.

[Spikey M]

Looking forward to Roy Chubby Brown gagging for British Business in Namibia.

[niko_cee]

He already has his own range of [Australian] wines [Botham that is, I've no idea about Brown] so he's probably just 'going in to bat' for them.

Julio Geordio to be dispatched to Latin America ASAP.

[Queenslander]

You got Tony and we get Botham what tidy bit of business for us.

[Kikó]

BANKING can be added to the list of things that Kik's will always trust then....

This makes no sense to me at all. It'd be similar to Tim Martin saying 'alcohol causes problems in society, so on 1st October we're going to remove all alcohol from all of our 925 pubs'.

Maybe the OF's owners have already trousered enough money not to care, but I can't see how their platform will go any way other than that Play.com on the back of this.

From the FT:
OnlyFans’ founder Tim Stokely has blamed “unfair” treatment by banks for forcing him to ban pornography on the platform, a decision that caused an outcry from the site’s users and sowed doubt over its future.

“The change in policy, we had no choice — the short answer is banks,” Stokely, who is also the company’s chief executive, told the Financial Times.

Since it banned explicit content last week, the UK company has faced criticism for abandoning the adult performers who helped attract its roughly 130m users as well as scepticism as to whether it can prosper under new rules that ban sex acts, though permit nudity.


Stokely said the change came in response to an increased level of obstacles from banks, which would “cite reputational risk and refuse our business”.

“We pay over one million creators over $300m every month, and making sure that these funds get to creators involves using the banking sector,” he said, singling out Bank of New York Mellon as having “flagged and rejected” every wire connected to the company, “making it difficult to pay our creators”.

BNY Mellon’s role, in this case, was as an intermediary bank, helping with transfers between OnlyFans’ bank and the bank accounts of its creators.

Stokely also said UK-based Metro Bank had in 2019 closed OnlyFans’ corporate account with short notice, and highlighted how many sex workers, including OnlyFans creators, were struggling to access basic financial services.

“JPMorgan Chase is particularly aggressive in closing accounts of sex workers or . . . any business that supports sex workers,” he said.

BNY Mellon, Metro Bank and JPMorgan all declined to comment. OnlyFans declined to name its current banking partners, citing a desire to improve relations.

Opposition to the porn industry has taken on new life in recent years, with a string of high-profile media investigations into the prevalence of child pornography and other non-consensual footage on so-called tube sites.

OnlyFans has not been immune to scrutiny, despite operating a business model where both viewers and creators are verified and content stays behind a paywall.

Stokely claimed OnlyFans had been unfairly targeted by media reports into “incidents of illegal content” that failed to mention how porn-free social media platforms grapple with similar issues. “Banks read the same media as everyone else,” he said.

Some financial groups, such as Mastercard, have responded to growing wariness of the porn industry with more stringent rules for “specialty merchants” due to take effect on October 1, the same date as OnlyFans’ policy change comes into effect. This prompted speculation that Mastercard was driving the platform’s new policy, something that Stokely disputed.

“We’re already fully compliant with the new Mastercard rules, so that had no bearing on the decision,” he said.

Recommended
From the archive: OnlyFans blurs boundaries as lockdown demand drives success
OnlyFans’ move has prompted questions as to how it will manage to enforce the ban. Stokely said the company was hiring almost 200 new moderators to a team of nearly 1,000 staff members who are “involved in some part of our multi-step moderation process”.

The new rules have also delayed the company’s plan for a share sale, as majority owner Leonid Radvinsky, the Ukrainian-American entrepreneur behind porn site MyFreeCams, is looking to offload part of his stake.

Stokely rejected reports that wariness from investors had sparked the move.

“We didn’t make this policy change to make it easier to find investors,’‘ said Stokely, arguing his family and Radvinsky would not bring in owners that were not comfortable with adult performers. Stokely said he would “absolutely” welcome porn back were the banking environment to change.

“This decision was made to safeguard their funds and subscriptions from increasingly unfair actions by banks and media companies — we obviously do not want to lose our most loyal creators,” Stokely said.

[phonics]

Can't wait to get out of this house. Heard some bumping and there was a guy going at my door with this:

https://i.imgur.com/0pc9fBH.png

[Yevrah]

“This decision was made to safeguard their funds and subscriptions from increasingly unfair actions by banks and media companies — we obviously do not want to lose our most loyal creators,” Stokely said.

Do you genuinely believe the gist of an article that contains a line in it like this?

[Kikó]

He's doing damage control but the alternative is frozen accounts which takes them out of business.

[Lewis]

'No, the banks are worse than the pornographer.'

[phonics]

Showing absolutely zero concern for someone breaking into my house and continuing on arguing over financial regulation of pornographers is why TTH will always be TTH.

[Spikey M]

I'll be honest, I took it to be a joke about Kiko's argument with Yev that had flown over my head. Apologies, hope you're OK and RIP.

[Lewis]

Jussie Phonnett here getting robbed by someone who leaves his floating crowbar behind.

[SincereTheRebel]

Fuck your wooden door

[SincereTheRebel]

Jussie Phonnett here getting robbed by someone who leaves his floating crowbar behind.

:lol:

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

We know you're not dead. What more would we need to know?

[Ian]

Posts about his own house in the NEWS thread like he's a big deal then demands attention when nobody agrees.

[Disco]

Should be a warning for off topic really.

[Kikó]

Showing absolutely zero concern for someone breaking into my house and continuing on arguing over financial regulation of pornographers is why TTH will always be TTH.

U k bby

[Spikey M]

1430277125089730561?s=19

[Ian]

I love how even the news fella, rather than thinking "What is my career?", has the tinge of outrage in his voice.

[Queenslander]

Perth is likely to get the AFL.

Melolbourne.:happycry:

[Jimmy Floyd]

When he asks the guy what are you gonna do now, and he says 'Well, there's an ice cream shop round the corner, so I'll probably go there', and the newsman says 'You have to work it out all by yourself!'.

I mean, he's not exactly Descartes laying the foundation of the deductive scientific method, is he?

[Spikey M]

I'd love to know how many hours of "... I just got a coke mate" they had to film before they came up with this.

[Yevrah]

End of Days where there is nothing worth saving that.

[Ian]

I'd love to know how many hours of "... I just got a coke mate" they had to film before they came up with this.

I did wonder this.

"Okay, that's great, lovely stuff, but could you instead of not caring start flinging your shit about like a chimp shouting 'ME WANNA SHAKE-SHAKE'? It'll make a much better story."

[Spikey M]

They probably took great care to mention that Brexit was to blame before asking them.

There's no doubt similar footage from Nigel Farages Kent on the cutting room floor, where everyone they asked goes full Al Murray.

"Milkshakes, eh, never liked 'em. Load of Yank rubbish and now we find out the milks from a load of French cows!? Well no thank you! I'll have a bottle of London Pride."

[Ian]

"London Pride? But Fuller's are owned by a Japane-"
"SHUT UP TRAITOR"

[Alex]

1430344359459831810

:D


Elden recreated the image multiple times over the years and had the word “Nevermind” tattooed on his chest

What an absolute fucking tit.

[Spikey M]

Someone tweeted about an album a while back, and I still can't understand how this (https://smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000001FDI/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_apa_glt_i_CMQX86NGJX52B7CHFNZ9) is allowed. (NSFW)


The cover was a photo by Bob Seidemann of a topless 11 year old girl, Mariora Goschen,[4] holding a silver painted model of an aircraft

[Lewis]

Houses of the Holy has kids arses on it, which seemed to have traumatised one of them over the years. The olden days were pretty wild really.

[Yevrah]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-58331722

I can only assume the banking PARTNERS have caved....

[Offshore Toon]

It wouldn't be surprising if that announcement started a bidding war from the banks.

If OF can promise local banking services to their creators then this could be a masterstroke, assuming its actually a big issue for sex workers.

[Yevrah]

None of it's an issue, banks are quite clearly not the bastion of moral fortitude that they'd like to portray. I mean, it's utterly lol that anyone would think otherwise.

[randomlegend]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-58331722

I can only assume the banking PARTNERS have caved....

I can't really understand what the point of the decision was in the first place. It will instantly die without porn and a new one will pop up.

[Kikó]

None of it's an issue, banks are quite clearly not the bastion of moral fortitude that they'd like to portray. I mean, it's utterly lol that anyone would think otherwise.

Tell us more about a sector you don't work in.

[Spikey M]

I'd be amazed if there weren't already less successful versions that people couldn't move over to.

[Pepe]

No one should be allowed to give an opinion on a field they do not work in. Can we make it a rule, @mods?

[Ian]

No opinions at all.

Only links to BBC news articles, Steam sales and tier 1 transfer rumours.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Bring that rule in immediately about only posting about a sector you work in. Me and Pepe can just exchange 20,000 posts on combustion engines, and the rest of you have to sit there watching us.

[Spikey M]

Me and Shinners can exchange hot takes on the benefit system.

[Disco]

Me and Shinners can exchange hot takes on the benefit system.

Mark Noble would be the top poster inside a week.

[Pepe]

Bring that rule in immediately about only posting about a sector you work in. Me and Pepe can just exchange 20,000 posts on combustion engines, and the rest of you have to sit there watching us.

That old tractor was a beaut, by the way. You should go out of your way to help the poor man out.

[Kikó]

If you want a tractor sub forum we can make it happen.

[Offshore Toon]

I drove past a tractor today so don't forget my invite.

[Shindig]

I don't get why the creators can't just adapt. It's the internet and if the subscriber base is already there, the simps will simp even when your clothes are on.

[randomlegend]

Is there a joke I'm missing there or something?

[Shindig]

We'll have to ask the board-appointed joke expert.

[Yevrah]

Tell us more about a sector you don't work in.

I don't need to work in a sector to spot bullshit spewing from it.

[Yevrah]

I can't really understand what the point of the decision was in the first place. It will instantly die without porn and a new one will pop up.

But I should say I still have no idea why they did this. Well, it was clearly a piece of Machiavellian manipulation, but the why and the what remains unknown.

[Yevrah]

I'd be amazed if there weren't already less successful versions that people couldn't move over to.

Yep. Manyvids for one. I assume they are also stuffing monies under mattresses.

[Yevrah]

I don't get why the creators can't just adapt. It's the internet and if the subscriber base is already there, the simps will simp even when your clothes are on.

I mean, they manifestly won't. Riley Reid is trousering over half a million dollars a month currently. Cut her offering, cut her income.

[Raoul Duke]

But I should say I still have no idea why they did this. Well, it was clearly a piece of Machiavellian manipulation, but the why and the what remains unknown.

They wanted to take it public/get some investment and it's hard to get money in when your ability to generate income might disappear at a whim

[Dquincy]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-58331722

I can only assume the banking PARTNERS have caved....
Yev relieved that his subscriptions aren't being cancelled.

[Dquincy]

Someone tweeted about an album a while back, and I still can't understand how this (https://smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000001FDI/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_apa_glt_i_CMQX86NGJX52B7CHFNZ9) is allowed. (NSFW)
Yeah course you found this in a tweet.

Yewtree will be knocking on your door tomorrow....

[Shindig]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-australia-58338661

That's just a really nice thing. Although I bet those sheep are now very well fed after the failed attempts. :D

[Jimmy Floyd]

It tells you everything wrong with this country that the frozen dinners mob over here and their media amplifiers want a white bloke and load of pissing dogs evacuated from Afghanistan, but oh no we can't take refugees.

[Boydy]

"Frozen dinners mob"?

[Ian]

But what if all the refugees come over here and STEAL the jobs it's becoming very apparent I don't even want? WHAT THEN?

[Yevrah]

It tells you everything wrong with this country that the frozen dinners mob over here and their media amplifiers want a white bloke and load of pissing dogs evacuated from Afghanistan, but oh no we can't take refugees.

It is shocking. Our democratically elected government messed about over there so it's our moral responsibility to take a fuckload of their refugees.

[Jimmy Floyd]

"Frozen dinners mob"?

You know. Facebook mums. People who watch breakfast TV and think Piers Morgan is a good thing. Fucking simpletons.

Fortunately the Taliban have blocked the dogs from going into the airport, christ knows we needed someone to be the voice of reason.

[niko_cee]

What are Afghans like with HGVs?

[Spikey M]

Where was the fella that drove one through that German Market from?

Edit: Tunisia. We're good.

Operation Taliban SuperVan is a go.

[Manc]

You get a real sense if The Purge became a reality Jimmy would be out in amongst the action hitting women for six.

[Jimmy Floyd]

https://www.theguardian.com/business/2021/aug/25/the-anxiety-is-off-the-scale-uk-farm-sector-worried-by-labour-shortages

There's lots of this around at the moment, but for some reason 'How about paying better wages to attract labour?' never gets mentioned by any party.

[Kikó]

Because I don't even think it's that simple. It's horribly gruelling work (I've heard) that really isn't attractive to do.

[Spikey M]

It definitely is that simple. Would I clean the pub toilet for £7 an hour? No. Would I do it for £100k per year? You bet your sweet Mancunian tits I would.

[Kikó]

I'm glad you've noticed my WhatsApp picture. Thank you mate.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Fine, in that case I will return to the subject of the dog man. He's fucking tweeted the Taliban asking them to let his dogs through. Tweeted the Taliban! This is literally the decline of western civilisation unfolding in front of our eyes.

[Yevrah]

Who is the dog man Jim? Did I miss a post or are you deliberately withholding linkage to avoid further coverage for him?

[Manc]

#Tailinthebin

[Jimmy Floyd]

Who is the dog man Jim? Did I miss a post or are you deliberately withholding linkage to avoid further coverage for him?

It's too fucking stupid to start linking to, but the dog man is called Farthing, he is in Afghanistan and has a lot of stray dogs in a convoy. The British People and all of breakfast television want him and his dogs evacuated from Kabul airport as a matter of priority. Fuck the human beings, obv, especially the brown ones.

[Spikey M]

Easy propaganda win for the Taliban if they do aswell. :cool:

[Yevrah]

I really wish I hadn't looked:


Afghanistan: Mission to rescue evacuees 'diverted' by bid to save animals, says Ben Wallace
Defence Secretary said to have expressed frustration that row over evacuating dogs and cats took up military's time and resources

It's over. End us as a species now.

[Disco]

Muslims don't like dogs, you'd think they'd be all for letting him through.

[Disco]

https://www.theguardian.com/business/2021/aug/25/the-anxiety-is-off-the-scale-uk-farm-sector-worried-by-labour-shortages

There's lots of this around at the moment, but for some reason 'How about paying better wages to attract labour?' never gets mentioned by any party.

And when it does the conversation moves to how paying a decent wage would impact farmers income and raise prices for the consumer. Not a mention of the huge profits the supermarkets are raking in by screwing the producers.

[Spikey M]

The invention of "ISIS-K" is good fun. I love how transparent this shit is. They're so desperate to legitimise the (FUCKING) Taliban that they've had to make up a special ISIS group that are really responsible for all the trouble going on over there. AND - guys, get this, this is the good shit - they are the enemies of the Taliban! Go my Taliban Don's. You get those ISIS cunts.

[Jimmy Floyd]

https://twitter.com/TomSwarbrick1/status/1430836438283718659

A great example here of what I'm talking about. Shut every branch of Iceland and butcher its customers.

[Kikó]

Iss-K is actually the Korean sub group. Less jihadi but equally annoying.

[Boydy]

https://twitter.com/TomSwarbrick1/status/1430836438283718659

A great example here of what I'm talking about. Shut every branch of Iceland and butcher its customers.

Is there anyone who calls into radio talk shows that isn't a mentalist?

[Yevrah]

"Let those animals come here, they have every right" might just be the best comment by anyone ever.

[Offshore Toon]

She says she loves animals, but she's incredibly patronising in assuming they want to be uprooted and brought to the UK.

[Disco]

Presumably we can close all the animal shelters what with all these people willing to take in dogs.

[Yevrah]

Indeed. Given the issues COVID has already caused with unwanted pets, wouldn't most of them end up in landfill if they came over here?

[Lewis]

If the Taliban know the animal shelter man is there, and he is trying to talk to them, but they haven't bothered to go out and shot him and all of his staff and animals, it can't be that vital to extract them all can it. The stupid cunt. 'Ooh I have my own plane...' You got your own runway mate? Your own security? Your own quarantine facilities? A serious country would have told him to fuck off, the breakdown-having nonce.

[Spikey M]

I do love the idea that he's so worried about the Taliban that he's had to ask the Taliban for help. :D

[Yevrah]

It is funny how if it's humans it's immediately asked why and how they need our help and then the answer is never believed, while in this case none of the articles I looked at earlier even attempted to explain what sort of peril these dogs and cats were supposedly in.

[Lewis]

They're manky street animals. It's mental. People will adopt them though. It will become a thing, like when that shelter in Manchester burned down and people rushed to take in what had been sitting there all along.

[Spikey M]

My wife's mate spent a fortune getting a stray from Turkey brought over. Cunt died from lung worm more or less immediately. It's not as if we're running short of homeless dogs already either.

[Yevrah]

And on the manky street animal note, what sort of shithouse diseases are these mangy things likely to bring into the country? I'm pretty sure if I rocked up at Heathrow from a third World shithole with a cat in my hand luggage the animal would be destroyed and I'd spend the rest of the day at least at her Majesty's pleasure.

[Yevrah]

And part 2 of the manky street animal note, absolutely no chance you'll ever be able to domesticate these fucking things, especially the cats. The nutter with post traumatic stress disorder has probably had to chain them down to the convoy to get them this far in the first place.

[Spikey M]

They'd have to go through 6 months quarantine and testing for rabies etc. Would cost a fortune and I'm not sure there's even enough facilities to cope with the demand of however many he wants to bring over. It's not normally done in bulk ffs.

[Yevrah]

The more I think about this story the more absurd it becomes. Humans are the absolute worst.

[Spikey M]

It's ridiculous. We have shelters over here regularly putting down dogs purely because there's no space for them. Does he have a plan to set up a special home for them? How many Go Fund Me accounts does he have for that?

[Raoul Duke]

These animals don't even speak the language either. How are they supposed to integrate and get jobs?

[Alex]

1430931839728881666

Here he is. Right on cue.

"A dog would never leave you behind". What does that even mean? I guarantee you if they weren't all locked in cages and presumably slung in the back of a lorry, when that bomb went off outside the airport a couple of hours ago the entire lot of them would have bolted into the streets of Kabul in a flash and left "Pen" Farthing without ever looking back, you silly bastard.

[igor_balis]

He's such a div.

[Shindig]

So is a man with a load of stolen dogs going to be this year's 'Captain' Tom?

[Yevrah]

Some of the replies. :sick:

How do these people function on a day to day basis?

[Alex]

I once saw him live and he ended the show with an incredibly self-righteous and condescending missive about how seriously he took animal rights and how it absolutely was, under no circumstances, a subject to be joked about.

There was a good five minute segment of the actual routine where he almost exclusively made "dead baby" jokes.

[Yevrah]

Really?

He was on Graham Norton a while back doing just that with a rapper who had a stuffed giraffe in his house.

[Alex]

Really?

He was on Graham Norton a while back doing just that with a rapper who had a stuffed giraffe in his house.

Really. He went off on one about some Chinese market where they keep dogs in cages and sell them for meat or something.

[Yevrah]

Really. He went off on one about some Chinese market where they keep dogs in cages and sell them for meat or something.

Yeah, I've seen that show too, albeit not live. And he's right about the Chinese market, it's horrific.

[igor_balis]

Gervais is someone who never learned how to show and not tell, as can be seen by his absolutely toilet standup and post-merchant sitcoms. I don't love Extras, but Derek and Afterlife are staggeringly bad.

[Shindig]

Is Afterlife the one based entirely around how much he doesn't believe in God?

[Alex]

Yeah, I've seen that show too, albeit not live. And he's right about the Chinese market, it's horrific.

Oh I don't doubt that it is. I'm absolutely in agreement with him that places like that shouldn't exist.

It's just the showing closing "now let's talk about something that is not funny" moralising from a bloke who built an entire bit around infant death (which I wasn't personally offended by, to clarify) half an hour earlier struck me as bizarre at the time, and will always will be my lasting memory of seeing him live.

[igor_balis]

Alex Oh lol, just remembered someone on cookdandbombd wrote their own take on a Derek script, it's absolutely excellent.

DEREK: S02E02

Opening titles. Tinkly piano music. We are shown a slow montage of the nursing home's residents doing wholesome things.

SCENE 1: HANNAH TALKING HEAD IN HER OFFICE

HANNAH: Oh, you know, not much has changed since last week. We struggle on. If anything, Derek has got even kinder. Just yesterday, him and the alcoholic pervert we inexpilcably let hang around were challenging the residents to a race. And when the ambulance crew arrived he was so excited, he just wanted to help. He didn't, of course, if anything he made a bad situation worse. But he's just so kind.

SCENE 2: A CORRIDOR AT THE NURSING HOME

DEREK: (beckoning the camera) Look, look... I's not supposed to go in here. Dougie says I'll break things.

Derek enters some sort of maintenance room

DEREK: This, yeah, this machine, is what makes the home hot or cold, but not too hot or too cold, because that'd be too hot. Or too cold. I likes it when it's cold because Christmas is cold and Christmas is my bestest day of the year.

Derek presses a big 'Off' switch on the heater and we hear the machine shut down

DEREK: Now it will be Christmas for all my bestest friends in the home.

SCENE 3: THE NURSING HOME

HANNAH: It's quite a big day today. The daughter of one of our wealthier residents is coming to visit her today. We're always short of money, and although this show is far to simplistic to think about why, a donation would really help

VICKY: Hannah, she's here.

The resident's daughter arrives. She is wearing a top hat, a monocle, a cape, and has a diamond-topped cane.

HANNAH: Well, thank you for coming.

DAUGHTER: Not at all, I wanted to see how my money... er, my mummy... my mother, was doing.

HANNAH: ...yes. Well, as you know, she's not been well, and we were worried that you might inherit-

DAUGHTER: Inherit? Who said anything about inheritance? Are you suggesting I'm just here to-

HANNAH: No, no, I just mean the condition she's got might be passed on.

DAUGHTER: Oh! Oh, right. Well, yes, it'd be... terrible if something was to happen to her. MU HA HA HA HA HA!

Thunder and Lightning

HANNAH: ...Well, yes. Speaking of which... actually, is it me, or is it cold in here?

DAUGHTER: People often say it gets colder when I enter a room. MU HA HA HA HA!

Thunder and Lightning

HANNAH: I know, but even so - look, the residents are shivering. Derek, where's Dougie?

DEREK: He's fixing the front door. He says there's a problem with the hinge.

KEV: Hinge? Sounds a bit like Minge. Minge. Fanny. Flaps. (Brief pause) Tits.

ELDERLY RESIDENT: Speaking of which, did I ever tell you that unusually frank story about my sex life?

HANNAH: Yes.

ELDERLY RESIDENT: Didn't it make you think, though? That old people can still talk in a modern way.

HANNAH: Yes, it confounded my expectactions and made me re-evaluate my blinkered views. That keeps happening.

Dougie arrives

DOUGIE: Right, I've fixed the front door. Fuck me, it's cold in here, isn't it?

HANNAH: That's what I was going to talk to you about. Let's go and look at the heater.

They leave

NEW GARETH CHARACTER: Derek, do you think there'll ever be a boy who can swim faster than a shark?

DEREK: Why do boys and sharks have to swim against each other? Why can't we all work together?

The new Gareth character looks at the camera

SCENE 4: THE MAINTENANCE ROOM:

DOUGIE: Here's your problem look - the heater's been turned off. It's been disabled.

HANNAH: It's not disabled. It's just... kind.

DOUGIE: You keep saying that! How can a heater be... just admit that it's disabled!

HANNAH: It's just different! Maybe it's right, and we're the ones that are disabled? Maybe we should adjust our temperatures to it. Then the world would be a better place.

Vicky runs in

VICKY: Quick! I think one of the residents is dead!

HANNAH: Oh God! Which one?

VICKY: I don't know! No-one gave them any names or personalities!

HANNAH: Let's go.

They rush out

SCENE 5: ONE OF THE RESIDENTS' ROOMS

A resident is lying in bed, surrounded by the staff, and a doctor.

DOCTOR: I'm afraid there's nothing we can do. He's gone. Hypothermia I'm afraid - a sudden drop in temperature has finished him off

DEREK: Why does people have to die?

HANNAH: It's OK Derek. He's gone to Heaven.

DEREK: This was the bestest day and now it's the worstest.

Derek starts crying. A slow, piano version of "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day" plays as we see a montage of the resident pottering around the nursing home, being pestered by Derek and Kev, etc. End Credits.

[Lewis]

The first two stand-ups were good because they weren't just about him.

[Disco]

If that woman had to have her alpaca ritually murdered by DEFRA then this cunt can't bring his mangy dogs back.

[Pepe]

*destroyed

[Shindig]

Four-legged whale. (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-58340807)

This is the thing that reminded me whales are mammals. :D

[niko_cee]

Far be it from me to question the current zeitgeist, but isn't the idea of this Marvel film about a Chinese character somehow being a game changing moment for people of Chinese origin in film a bit mental? A Chinese lead, a largely Chinese cast, big blockbuster, does Ang Lee's Taiwanese heritage rule Crouching Tiger out of this debate? Bet that makes him Ang Lee.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Marvel is just the saddos of America talking to themselves, so yes it does.

[Dquincy]

https://www.theguardian.com/business/2021/aug/25/the-anxiety-is-off-the-scale-uk-farm-sector-worried-by-labour-shortages

There's lots of this around at the moment, but for some reason 'How about paying better wages to attract labour?' never gets mentioned by any party.

Farmers, reportedly, not have the profit margin to simply raise wages for the workforce. I'd imagine they are on tight margins as it is.

[Don]

Is it their turn? Buzzing to see Muzzy Raider in 10 years time.

[Dquincy]

Yeah, I've seen that show too, albeit not live. And he's right about the Chinese market, it's horrific.

Why is it not OK to cage and eat dogs, but it is chickens, pigs, cows, etc. The hypocrisy is astounding.

[Yevrah]

Why is it not OK to cage and eat dogs, but it is chickens, pigs, cows, etc. The hypocrisy is astounding.

They don't just cage and eat them at the Chinese markets he's referring to.

[Disco]

I'm going to charitably assume you don't know what you're talking about because surely nobody is this dense.

[Dquincy]

https://c.tenor.com/pXe-GokoyA0AAAAS/the-s-impsons-bush.gif

[Shindig]

Far be it from me to question the current zeitgeist, but isn't the idea of this Marvel film about a Chinese character somehow being a game changing moment for people of Chinese origin in film a bit mental? A Chinese lead, a largely Chinese cast, big blockbuster, does Ang Lee's Taiwanese heritage rule Crouching Tiger out of this debate? Bet that makes him Ang Lee.

And y'know, all the cool shit they did in Hong Kong for decades.

[Spikey M]

Why is it not OK to cage and eat dogs, but it is chickens, pigs, cows, etc. The hypocrisy is astounding.

We don't skin and boil pigs while they're still alive. Have a real Hot Dog all you like, just put a bullet in it's head before you start the meal prep.

[Yevrah]

Right, what con trick did this lad pull to generate interest in his (crap) work? NFT's associated with famous people made little sense, but what the hell's going on here?


A 12-year-old boy from London has made about £290,000 during the school holidays, after creating a series of pixelated artworks called Weird Whales and selling non-fungible tokens (NFTs).

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-58343062

[Spikey M]

Crypto Whales are what they call the super rich of the Crypto world. They are mental and can and do spunk their mental wealth on some absolute shite. I have no problem believing that a Crypto Whale would spend big on a Crypto Whale NTF FOR THE BANTZ.

[Offshore Toon]

I've never felt as obsolete as I did reading that article.

[Disco]

Makes you realise how much pointless money there is sloshing about.

[Spikey M]

It's bad enough when it's unscrupulous 1%ers paying the people of Bangladesh 7p per hour. It's somehow worse when it's little Timmy making millions by buying DogeCoin, SpunkRocket and ElonMoon at the right time and becoming a millionaire overnight because "hahaha spunkrocket HODL TO THE MOOOOON".

:happycry:

[Ian]

Hm. Could we sell posts on here as NFTs?

"Well, you say it's worthless but Spikey M gave me rep and a ":D" so you've just made a fool of yourself."

[Spikey M]

I'd buy an NFT of Magics posts about having Covid. The one where he thinks he’s dying must be worth about a grand alone.

[SvN]

Alex Oh lol, just remembered someone on cookdandbombd wrote their own take on a Derek script, it's absolutely excellent.


:D Superb.

[Queenslander]

I've heard it on a few American podcast now that the wealthly are using NFTs as massive tax right offs.

[Pepe]

That little lad is just using the whales as a coverup for the child porn he is actually selling.

[Yevrah]

So apparently the US blocked that moron's attempts to leave.

https://i.postimg.cc/CKrxvGCg/8ce0e173c75d2e2c09be931391f7bd38-Y29ud-GVud-HNl-YXJja-GFwa-Swx-Nj-Mw-MDc3-Njc1-2-61733792.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

Look at the state of that.

[Manc]

It was an accident Shindig said.

[Dquincy]

We don't skin and boil pigs while they're still alive. Have a real Hot Dog all you like, just put a bullet in it's head before you start the meal prep.

We do lobsters to a certain extent.

And even a bullet in the head doesn't sound fun.

All I'm saying is that we should eat dogs.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Dog man and the dogs got out of Afghanistan, but all his Afghan staff were left behind. RIP humanity.

[Spikey M]

That is absolutely fucking mental.

[niko_cee]

M. Barnier standing for French President on a right win anti-immigration platform is going to break some minds, even if it was obviously his plan all along.

[Boydy]

M. Barnier standing for French President on a right win anti-immigration platform is going to break some minds, even if it was obviously his plan all along.

At least he'll split the Le Pen vote then, hopefully.

[niko_cee]

It doesn't really matter, Le Pen can never win in their system. Barnier either gets Chirac'd in, or beats Biscuit on a slightly more traditional footing, would be my guess.

[Alex]

Dog man and the dogs got out of Afghanistan, but all his Afghan staff were left behind. RIP humanity.

Unbelievable. That head case women on the phone in you posted yesterday (I think it was you anyway Jim) has basically got her desired outcome.

[Shindig]

Afghan Staff Terrier. :dc:

[Lewis]

The Ministry of Defence tweeting about 'Pen Farthing and his pets' made me lol.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The Ministry of Defence tweeting about 'Pen Farthing and his pets' made me lol.

You could tell by the wording of their tweets that the civil servants were basically being held at gunpoint.

[Jimmy Floyd]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E9zviXnXMA0YJ-x?format=jpg&name=large

Not sure whether to file this under heads have gone, but it definitely backs up my occasional bouts of sexism. 'Get them back in the kitchen' is too strong, but locking them in the house seems appropriate.

[Disco]

I think we file it under 'people lie to surveys'.

[Offshore Toon]

There should be an additional question asking 'is a dog's life worth more than a mosquito's life?'

[Queenslander]

Yeah there definitely is a hierarchy.

Great apes, dogs, octopi, dolphins and the smart birds (parrots, ravens, eagles etc) are all at the top of animal rights list if we are giving them out.

[Queenslander]

Did the CIA create ISIS-K?

[randomlegend]

The fuck is an ABC1 and a C2DE household?

But yeah, everyone other than Chris Packham who says they don't value human lives over animal lives is a virtue-signalling liar.

[Boydy]

The fuck is an ABC1 and a C2DE household?

But yeah, everyone other than Chris Packham who says they don't value human lives over animal lives is a virtue-signalling liar.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/NRS_social_grade

[Baz]

I can happily watch a human get executed/injured (and actively seek such videos out and enjoy them) but absolutely cannot watch anything involving animals being hurt. :sorry:

[Offshore Toon]

It was Magic that watched animals getting tortured, wasn't it? The cat getting stood on with high heels. Pure scum.

[Ian]

You're a proper deviant, Baz.

[randomlegend]

I can happily watch a human get executed/injured (and actively seek such videos out and enjoy them) but absolutely cannot watch anything involving animals being hurt. :sorry:

I can also handle human gore better than animal gore. But if I had to choose between a human dying or an animal then the animal goes every time

[randomlegend]

Unless it's like, my dog vs Magic or something obviously

[Spikey M]

Or a Woodlouse vs Magic.

[Giggles]

It was Magic that watched animals getting tortured, wasn't it? The cat getting stood on with high heels. Pure scum.

He’s a subhuman cunt in fairness. Expected.

[Shindig]

In a roundabout way, he's already been buggered by bats.

[Giggles]

Or a Woodlouse vs Magic.

Or a wasp.

[Dquincy]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E9zviXnXMA0YJ-x?format=jpg&name=large

Not sure whether to file this under heads have gone, but it definitely backs up my occasional bouts of sexism. 'Get them back in the kitchen' is too strong, but locking them in the house seems appropriate.

Wonder how many of them eat animals. A fucking lot is the answer. Hypocrites.

[Giggles]

Delicious animals though.

[Queenslander]

Tell me you're a dumb carnt without telling me you're a dumb carnt.


Cassowaries are a relatively rare sight in Far North Queensland. But this large specimen decided to chase a woman on Cape Tribulation beach north of Cairns.

https://fb.watch/7Gy8Zfu8XI/

[Kikó]

So many lols
1431844060566749190?s=19

[Shindig]

"Police are powerless as rollerblades are snatched."

[Queenslander]

https://youtu.be/KqSbDcks_uA

[Kikó]

I'm deeply jealous.i want a magpie crew.

[Queenslander]

Me too.

The Indian Minor birds run my street unfortunately.

[Spikey M]

Delta bird dickheads.

[Queenslander]

https://youtu.be/aQQvLnON7CI

[Queenslander]

China. :cool:




. Online gamers under the age of 18 will only be allowed to play for an hour on Fridays, weekends and holidays, China's video game regulator has said.

https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-58384457?at_custom3=BBC+News&at_custom1=%5Bpost+type%5D&at_custom2=facebook_page&at_campaign=64&at_medium=custom7&at_custom4=2D9F7BDA-099A-11EC-80C1-FAAD96E8478F

[niko_cee]

Me too.

The Indian Minor birds run my street unfortunately.

Aren't they reasonably sanguine? Unlike the Noisy Miners.

[Queenslander]

The brown ones are the savages the Noisy Minor birds are also assholes but less so compared the Indians.

[Spikey M]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-58336998

How on earth is it that easy to snag billions in investment? Surely a basic level of evidence that it actually fucking worked would be needed? Mental.

[Kikó]

Read the book about it. It's absolutely amazing. The cult of personality is strong in that one.

[niko_cee]

I remember reading all about her at the height of her powers (assume this is about Theranos without clicking the link) and was somewhat amazed to pick the story up a few years later when it had all gone down the toilet.

"There are limits to how much you can bullshit" was a line I liked in a story I read recently [could have been that one].

[randomlegend]

She's the one who puts on that absurd fake accent whenever she talks to the press right?

[Baz]

That’s Alec Baldwin’s wife.

[SvN]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-58350075

https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/8DC5/production/_120339263_b31f0fea-d989-4a10-9e90-fbd9ba0c58a6.jpg

Fucking hell :D How did this get approved in the first place?

[randomlegend]

with others saying it put passengers at risk of sexual assault.

:lol:

[Raoul Duke]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-58336998

How on earth is it that easy to snag billions in investment? Surely a basic level of evidence that it actually fucking worked would be needed? Mental.

That picture looks like Mark Zuckerberg in a wig

[Ian]

"Yes your honour, I did board a bus and buy a ticket and go upstairs and rip her clothes off her but c'mon, she was sitting above an ad she was unaware of saying "Loves Being Naked"! She was asking for it!"

[Spikey M]

1432658934989529094?s=19

Jimmy, if you want that heart warming Disney film, you need to act NOW.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Can Pen Farthing perhaps be executed in his place?

[Dquincy]

1432658934989529094?s=19

Jimmy, if you want that heart warming Disney film, you need to act NOW.

Should have got the SAS to sniper it as it grazed in a field.

Imagine the activists reaction. :drool:

[Spikey M]

A rocket from an Apache would send a bigger message.

[Dquincy]

I read that as 'alpaca' and wondered how they'd hold the bazooka.

[Spikey M]

Some kind of Alpaca suicide bombing. I like it.

Maybe use a Llama and get a civil war going.

[Lewis]

She's the one who puts on that absurd fake accent whenever she talks to the press right?

Which is part of it. People were desperate for a 'female Steve Jobs' and didn't really care beyond that. You could almost think people deserved to lose their money, but using other testing machines is the bit that probably nails her (to whatever slap on the wrist she gets).

[Yevrah]

RIP the bus ads.

I mean, anyone acting on seeing that should be neutered, but nonetheless, what in the actual fuck...

[Offshore Toon]

The vast majority of girls aren't getting on London buses (let alone the quieter top deck, away from the driver) without male company at night regardless of what ad is on the bus.

[Dquincy]

Sounds like Offy has been scoping it out, the deviant.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I've just been on twitter and seen the full Geronimo fallout.

Heads have gone.

[Yevrah]

So it seems...

1432699840186789908

[niko_cee]

Should have done it with a drone strike.

[Kikó]

Arf.

The thing had TB. What the fuck do people want from it? It's not your mum ffs they're killing.

[Spikey M]

Suicide Llamas and I'll hear no further argument on the subject.

[Pepe]

Should have taken it to the movies, maybe some ice cream afterwards, walk by the seafront, and then chop its head off.

[Dquincy]

Should have taken it to the movies, maybe some ice cream afterwards, walk by the seafront, and then chop its head off.

Sounds like one of Offy's dates.

[randomlegend]

So it seems...

1432699840186789908

I'm sure it would have been much easier to give it a peaceful end if they weren't having to contend with uncooperative owners and protestors...

[Yevrah]

What Adrian Hilton doesn't seem to understand is that's the way all animals are rounded up.

[Disco]

See, the DEFRA man rolls deep.

The level of disconnect from those bitching about it is phenomenal.

[Shindig]

You can’t Of Mice and Men an Alpaca.

[Disco]

I assume everyone will walk all this bollocks back should it test positive for TB post-murder.

[Queenslander]

Why didn't they hit it with a dart to put to sleep first?

[Spikey M]

Suicide Llamas. Fuck off.

[randomlegend]

Why didn't they hit it with a dart to put to sleep first?

Presumably because they had the owners and protestors running about and it wasn't safe to do so.

[Spikey M]

1433028983453634560?s=19

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/37nwLhIA1zs/maxresdefault.jpg

Say the line Jimmy.

[Ian]

For the sake of letting you get on with posting the next image, Spikey:


Heads have gone.

Go.

[Spikey M]

https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/026/155/maxresdefault_(2).jpg

Appreciated.

[Disco]

Petition to rebrand the Get a Grip awards as the Heads Have Gone Memorial Trophy.

Also, 'Geronimo' popped up on the recent deaths bit of wikipedia today.

[Ian]

At least he'll be remembered when the Wikipedia nerds have a furious argument about whether or not it gets to be article of the day in 2037.

[Spikey M]

1433762848069541891?s=19

We need to invade Italy. Enough is enough.

[Giggles]

That’s his name on a bonfire.

[Lewis]

The Church of England is basically a Liberal Democrat club these days, so anybody remotely religious might as well reach for the hard stuff.

[Kikó]

I thought the transfer window had slammed shut?

[Spikey M]

I thought the transfer window had slammed shut?

They must have had the paperwork in on time. He probably just took a while to complete the Medical bless him.

[Disco]

The CofE will probably post a strongly worded notice at the next coffee morning.

[Spikey M]

Didn't hear a peep out of RL on this either. Fucking fraud.

[randomlegend]

I'm in shambles

[Shindig]

https://static.independent.co.uk/s3fs-public/thumbnails/image/2017/10/24/16/claudio-lotito.jpg?width=640&auto=webp&quality=75

I tried searching 'Bishop in a Lazio Shirt' and this was the best I could come up with. Not one of The Smith's better songs.

[Spikey M]

1434591870278152197?s=19

:lol:

[Giggles]

What am I missing there?

[Boydy]

He chose the wrong platform. If he'd posted that on Linkedin, they'd have eaten that shit right up.

[Spikey M]

What am I missing there?

A CEO trying to turn 9/11 into his own personal success story and deleting it 1 tweet at a time when he got mobbed / lol'd at for it.

[Queenslander]

You couldnt make this shit up.


The AFL has announced that there will be no parade through Perth city in the lead up to the Grand Final.

It has instead proposed a free, ticketed event inside a closed venue.

While no official reason for cancelling the parade has been given, there has been conjecture that it is due to fears about spreading COVID but there has also been media speculation that the AFL is concerned about the possibility of a terrorist attack in Perth.

On ABC Perth Mornings Nadia Mitsopoulos asked Acting Police Commissioner Col Blanche if it was true that police had fears for a terrorist attack on the AFL in Perth.


https://www.abc.net.au/radio/perth/programs/mornings/col-blanche-on-mornings-2/13530568?utm_medium=social&utm_content=sf249252526&utm_campaign=abc_perth&utm_source=m.facebook.com&sf249252526=1&fbclid=IwAR3qVooPpY3CTPM-XbmPdBSH-tqF0McV9FmYlGbVA97uPz3knCdQ6jZhRSY

[Boydy]

Just seen Pavel's twitter get retweeted into my timeline and it seems he's gone a bit Glinner.

[Spikey M]

Link?

[Baz]

Tranny bashing?

[Spikey M]

That was DS

[Boydy]

Link?

Just search his name.

[Spikey M]

I don't know his name beyond "pavel".

[niko_cee]

Matthew Patton?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Just had a look.

Heads have gone.

[Spikey M]

Well. That feed is a rabbit hole. Why does he care so much?

[Giggles]

I see nothing except ice hockey.

[Yevrah]

It would help if there weren't multiple Matthew Patton Twitter accounts. :D

It's obvious which one it is when you find it, but until then...

[Spikey M]

1435243333299982340?s=19

A personal favourite. So busy. So important. :happycry:

[Giggles]

I had the wrong one. It was the second one I checked and it said Belfast.

[Yevrah]

He always was on a different planet. Trying to explain to him how doing a top 100 TTH film countdown wouldn't actually be representative of TTH if he manipulated the groups to his liking was akin to pulling teeth.

[Giggles]

He’s coming out the better of two loons there.

[Boydy]

I expected to see anti-vax stuff on there when I started looking through it.