Ethical non-monogamy ftw.
I was going to say 'sexually open but emotionally monogamous', but that's a bit specific.
Ethical non-monogamy ftw.
I was going to say 'sexually open but emotionally monogamous', but that's a bit specific.
Honestly, if you're just staying together for the kids, it's probably a better option than just pretending you're not fucking other people.
It hasn't really filtered into the mainstream but it's pretty popular, truth be told. I know a lot of people who are either open or completely poly. I've a skewed sample in fairness, but still.
I think this last part is a huge problem in society. People head into relationships without figuring out how to be happy by themselves and they're dependant on somebody else to be happy/stable. Controlling women seem to latch on to men in situations like this.Originally Posted by Magic
I phoned her, decided to just see where it took me.
tl;dr we're going to really try and make it work and persevere.
She told me her side, and you may all call me a mug, but I believe her, for better or for worse. I guess the next step now is sorting it all out, because this really is rock bottom.
It's all well and good saying you're going to 'really try' but what does that actually mean? I really think you should go to counselling somehow. Anyhow.
You aren't a mug. Your life just do what you want to do. Fuck whatever anyone else thinks.
Did you say you had some time away coming up?
Could be an opportunity to try and think of what you miss while apart, not a bad idea to look at something positive rather than concentrating only on all the divisive stuff.
Agreed. Either you set some sort of ground rules or you'll be back to the exact same place within a week.
No mug. If you're happy yourself with that and you do believer her then that's a good first step. Worth trying anyway. You never know, the whole episode could be the shock to the system you both need to get things working better.
Fair play if you're both to have a crack at it. I echo Pepe and Boydy and suggest sitting down and chatting about how it's going to be different though, and look at counselling.
Another one of these posts:
Good luck Magic. It's a fuck awful situation to be in and I hope it works out for you.
If it were me I'd either be already out the door or installing some key logger app on her phone or something but no, I do not have a child, so that's probably not that constructive.
Inb4 'Gubbed Part II: The Night The Kickboxer Shattered My Jaw As Well As My Marriage'
Sorry, bruv. Anyway, I think you've made the right decision. I'd probably consider a PI tailing her movements for a bit, though. No joke.
He's got full custody of his kids. You know what to do, Magic.
That'll be karma for when he merk'd Beckham.
Yeah the real hard work starts now.
All the best with sorting everything out MAgic and I hope things fall in o place for you in one way or another
Social media is not the one to blame here though. Speaking of which though, this all has reminded me of an really odd situation the missus got herself into a few years a go. She came to me with a message from course mate from uni whom I know as well where he pretty much professed his love (well in a really soft, has seen too many romcoms kind of way) in a facebook message. The missus shot him down of course, but I thought he was a massive twat as I've been pretty friendly towards him when we've met and he knew that we've been together for almost a decade. That said I knew he had some feelings towards the missus but first thought that he might have been gay and later on when asking about from the missus just decided that he was completely harmless. So I guess you could receive unwanted attention that's unprovoked, but the way you handle it is openness, not deleting stuff and blocking the other person before things have been cleared out.
Long and a relatively boring story short, I told the missus that I would prefer if she would cut all ties to her mate as he was trying to sneak his way in and told her that I would confront him about it we're we ever to meet as I think that kind of behaviour deserves to have some ramifications.
It's going to happen again. She just felt guilty and will be on her best behavior until she gets bored again (except this time she'll be operating from a position of even less respect for Magic because of how beta he was within the entire situation).
Yeah I'm surprised by the decision but I guess it's easier as an onlooker.
Good luck anyway - hope she at least tries harder, and let's you put that sex playlist on.
I'm a twit
I'm inclined to agree with Mert if you're just planning on carrying on as before but 'trying harder'. Good luck with it though.
I aim to gain respect through being a fantastic husband.
I'll treat it as a testing ground for my next wife.
Hope this works out. I'd like to think you two are still together because there's a slither of what brought you together in the first place. Don't wind up like Mert: Lynched in a Texan oil field for hitting on his boss' 15-year old daughter.
If there wasn't a kid involved, this would be the only advice in the thread worth heeding. It still might be, if the general state of the relationship is so toxic and the arguments so frequent that your kid will pick up on it. It's not a particularly nice thought to countenance, but a child will assume their parent's relationship is normal, because it's the only one they truly know. Even if she comes to know intellectually that things can be and often are different, that seed is still planted early and it'll influence her own view of relationships. If you stay in a toxic relationship for her, she's more likely to stay in a toxic relationship herself in future.
It is a big deal. Don't let that slide for one second. If she tries to minimise the whole thing you have to make sure she understands that a married woman receiving a naked picture of someone she's known for years and is ostensibly friends with is not a trifle. As has been said, it would be different if this was a completely random event, but this is someone she knows and has a dialogue with, how many of the women you know and talk to would you send an unsolicited nude photo to?No it seems like she's angry at me for making a big deal out of it.
If some bird you'd been talking to had sent you a photo out of the blue you'd be able to show her the rest of the conversation and demonstrate that you'd done nothing to invite such a photo. Had her conversation with the person who sent the photo demonstrated as much why would she have deleted it? It would go against sense to delete a conversation that showed your innocence.
It sounds like she knows it, and is using it against you. Maybe she is a big factor in you being in a well paid job, but regardless of motivation you still did the work yourself, you still put the effort in and made something of yourself after what you've made sound like a fairly awful childhood. The second you start thinking that she had more of a part to play in your occupational success than you did, you give her absolute power because that thought process leads to the idea that you'd flop without her now, consciously or not, and even if you do decide to try to make the whole thing work that's no position to start from.
Nope. Reward her for receiving a naked picture of someone else and making you feel like a wanker for correctly calling it out as a major deal? Absolutely not. You've made it clear a hundred times that she's emotionally manipulative, so it's no surprise that you'd feel like the answer is to be better yourself. But really think about the precedent that sets. She fucks up, you blame yourself, you make amends. That's not healthy.
It's a terrible situation and I genuinely hope you can resolve it in such a way that you don't come out of it fucked up and neither does your daughter. Good luck.
lol, imagine if she started hitting him.
Yeah, that 'be a fantastic husband' line came across like someone who'd just been dosed up on lithium after a psychotic episode. You've been more than reasonable here, Magic. Be a doormat but don't be surprised to get walked all over.
Yikes. That's not how attraction works.
Don't forget, women don't love men, women love how men make them feel. When you stop making her feel a certain way, she will stop caring for / respecting you.
Is that how you feel about you mother?
It's a good thing that you use this forum as a confessional, Magic, because it'll help you write up a timeline of events in your marriage for when you eventually go through custody proceedings.
Start documenting as much as you can now because you're going to need to as much in your corner as possible.
John's right about the impact that staying in this toxic relationship will have on your daughter. Sooner or later, you'll it to yourself and her to break off your marriage.
It takes two to make a relationship. You've put in work. Your wife hasn't.
My mother and my sister are obviously the only exceptions.
Don't be a tit Mert (I know that's a bit of a futile ask, but still). You have no idea how relationships and families work until you have been in one for years and had a kid together for at least a few years of it.
Your little frat boy bravado is one thing now (it's still pathetic), but when real life actually starts you'll get some perspective and maybe grow up to be a real man someday.
@Magic - Good that you are at least going to try. Though I do agree with the counselling advice above from people. There needs to be some more concrete sort of game-plan for your relationship other than "we'll both behave better". Somehow you need to reset it from scratch (and probably learn not to blame each other for stuff in the past) I think and doing that without having a neutral intermediary (fuck any family or friends' involvement here), is really difficult.
I know it's probably quite pricey, but it'll cost you less than 300-400 quid a month, and you don't have to go maybe every single week.
We spoke about counselling last night. I managed to put my concerns about the relationship across without it turning in to an argument or sounding like a cunt.
I think if it's 'official' as in we relay information to a councillor and they inform us whether it's correct or not (or whatever) it'll give it more weight.
If you take the view that the picutregate was intentional then yes, I do look like a fucking melt and deserve all I get.
I've looked in to it and a councillor costs between Ł60-Ł85 for a 50-60 minutes session. FUUUUCK me. Rather get divorced imo.
EDIT: Found one for Ł40 per hour. Proper Dr. Nick stuff no doubt.
EDIT 2: Dammit it's fucking Christian.
Just get Skype and set up a conference call with as many TTH members as possible.
Doesn't Smiffy do some sort of counseling? You could ask him to help. You'll save your marriage and he'll get a new job. Win/win. TTH.
Not anymore since he got sacked for doing drugs. Maybe I could council him.
Hammer could also help.
He would just say move that other bloke in.
If that's what's best for the child...
Yeah couple's counselling is a lot. You can't go to the GP for that shit either. At least, I don't think you can.
Relate are decent and have a free online counselling tool. It's only for a one-off I think, but still: https://www.relate.org.uk/relationsh...hat-counsellor
If you get medical insurance through your employer or if they have a health programme, it'd be worth looking into that too as they might be able to offer something.
Proper bottle job.
Fucking hell Magic, even the tertiary posters are wading in.
Outstanding.
In a quite tragic way, I really am the life and soul of the board.
We are seeing a spike in activity, true.
You'd better be tweeting this to try and drum up some new members
Get the kickboxer to sign up.
He gave up because he could only muster 5 followers.
He can just send us a picture of his activity spiking.
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