DEREK: S02E02
Opening titles. Tinkly piano music. We are shown a slow montage of the nursing home's residents doing wholesome things.
SCENE 1: HANNAH TALKING HEAD IN HER OFFICE
HANNAH: Oh, you know, not much has changed since last week. We struggle on. If anything, Derek has got even kinder. Just yesterday, him and the alcoholic pervert we inexpilcably let hang around were challenging the residents to a race. And when the ambulance crew arrived he was so excited, he just wanted to help. He didn't, of course, if anything he made a bad situation worse. But he's just so kind.
SCENE 2: A CORRIDOR AT THE NURSING HOME
DEREK: (beckoning the camera) Look, look... I's not supposed to go in here. Dougie says I'll break things.
Derek enters some sort of maintenance room
DEREK: This, yeah, this machine, is what makes the home hot or cold, but not too hot or too cold, because that'd be too hot. Or too cold. I likes it when it's cold because Christmas is cold and Christmas is my bestest day of the year.
Derek presses a big 'Off' switch on the heater and we hear the machine shut down
DEREK: Now it will be Christmas for all my bestest friends in the home.
SCENE 3: THE NURSING HOME
HANNAH: It's quite a big day today. The daughter of one of our wealthier residents is coming to visit her today. We're always short of money, and although this show is far to simplistic to think about why, a donation would really help
VICKY: Hannah, she's here.
The resident's daughter arrives. She is wearing a top hat, a monocle, a cape, and has a diamond-topped cane.
HANNAH: Well, thank you for coming.
DAUGHTER: Not at all, I wanted to see how my money... er, my mummy... my mother, was doing.
HANNAH: ...yes. Well, as you know, she's not been well, and we were worried that you might inherit-
DAUGHTER: Inherit? Who said anything about inheritance? Are you suggesting I'm just here to-
HANNAH: No, no, I just mean the condition she's got might be passed on.
DAUGHTER: Oh! Oh, right. Well, yes, it'd be... terrible if something was to happen to her. MU HA HA HA HA HA!
Thunder and Lightning
HANNAH: ...Well, yes. Speaking of which... actually, is it me, or is it cold in here?
DAUGHTER: People often say it gets colder when I enter a room. MU HA HA HA HA!
Thunder and Lightning
HANNAH: I know, but even so - look, the residents are shivering. Derek, where's Dougie?
DEREK: He's fixing the front door. He says there's a problem with the hinge.
KEV: Hinge? Sounds a bit like Minge. Minge. Fanny. Flaps. (Brief pause) Tits.
ELDERLY RESIDENT: Speaking of which, did I ever tell you that unusually frank story about my sex life?
HANNAH: Yes.
ELDERLY RESIDENT: Didn't it make you think, though? That old people can still talk in a modern way.
HANNAH: Yes, it confounded my expectactions and made me re-evaluate my blinkered views. That keeps happening.
Dougie arrives
DOUGIE: Right, I've fixed the front door. Fuck me, it's cold in here, isn't it?
HANNAH: That's what I was going to talk to you about. Let's go and look at the heater.
They leave
NEW GARETH CHARACTER: Derek, do you think there'll ever be a boy who can swim faster than a shark?
DEREK: Why do boys and sharks have to swim against each other? Why can't we all work together?
The new Gareth character looks at the camera
SCENE 4: THE MAINTENANCE ROOM:
DOUGIE: Here's your problem look - the heater's been turned off. It's been disabled.
HANNAH: It's not disabled. It's just... kind.
DOUGIE: You keep saying that! How can a heater be... just admit that it's disabled!
HANNAH: It's just different! Maybe it's right, and we're the ones that are disabled? Maybe we should adjust our temperatures to it. Then the world would be a better place.
Vicky runs in
VICKY: Quick! I think one of the residents is dead!
HANNAH: Oh God! Which one?
VICKY: I don't know! No-one gave them any names or personalities!
HANNAH: Let's go.
They rush out
SCENE 5: ONE OF THE RESIDENTS' ROOMS
A resident is lying in bed, surrounded by the staff, and a doctor.
DOCTOR: I'm afraid there's nothing we can do. He's gone. Hypothermia I'm afraid - a sudden drop in temperature has finished him off
DEREK: Why does people have to die?
HANNAH: It's OK Derek. He's gone to Heaven.
DEREK: This was the bestest day and now it's the worstest.
Derek starts crying. A slow, piano version of "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day" plays as we see a montage of the resident pottering around the nursing home, being pestered by Derek and Kev, etc. End Credits.