The Cricket Thread

[Danny]

Jim is probably off wanking himself into oblivion at Dertrash taking a hat trick in a 6 fer against Glous. Surrey well on top on this final. The great man is in now.

Never mind Mourinho taking care of Wenger again, if he doesnt know about that we may never see him again.

[Ian]

Where is Jimmy?

[Max Power]

Surrey bottling this

[Max Power]

They did lol

[Danny]

Jesus

[Jimmy Floyd]

I was actually at that final and fucking hell. Had to watch Jade shit-grin his way through a hat trick and then watch everyone else collapse.

Sam Curran though, my fucking lord, we're talking a once in 25 years player here boys. Strap in. He will end the Test career of Ben Stokes within 3 years.

Anyway I came here because Samit Patel, or 'Smith Patel' as Waqar Younis insisted on calling him during the last tour of the UAE, has earned an England recall in place of the injured Ansari. What a trooper.

[Max Power]

Always been a big Samit fan. Lovely player to watch in full flow. Plus he's a fat lad so good on him.

[MartinSAFC]

Always been a big Samit fan. Lovely player to watch in full flow. Plus he's a fat lad so good on him.

Me too.

What side does everyone think will be picked for the first test against Pakistan?

I would like to see:

Cook
Moeen
Bell
Root
Taylor
Bairstow
Stokes
Rashid
Wood
Broad
Anderson

But I think we'll go with Hales instead of Taylor. Or perhaps Hales instead of Stokes. Both of these changes would mean Moeen batting somewhere in the middle order instead of opening.

[Matt]

Me too.

What side does everyone think will be picked for the first test against Pakistan?

I would like to see:

Cook
Moeen
Bell
Root
Taylor
Bairstow
Stokes
Rashid
Wood
Broad
Anderson

But I think we'll go with Hales instead of Taylor. Or perhaps Hales instead of Stokes. Both of these changes would mean Moeen batting somewhere in the middle order instead of opening.

I'd like to see Taylor and Bairstow in the side but I can't see it. I also think Hales is going to be given a chance. Do you think they'll pick 3 quick's as well as Stokes with the amount of spin you would expect to be bowled?

I think they'll go

Cook
Hales
Bell
Root
Stokes
Buttler
Moeen
Rashid
Wood/Finn
Broad
Anderson

[MartinSAFC]

I'd like to see Taylor and Bairstow in the side but I can't see it. I also think Hales is going to be given a chance. Do you think they'll pick 3 quick's as well as Stokes with the amount of spin you would expect to be bowled?

I think they'll go

Cook
Hales
Bell
Root
Stokes
Buttler
Moeen
Rashid
Wood/Finn
Broad
Anderson

I think Bairstow will play ahead of Buttler. Stokes was the one I was unsure about, we probably don't need four seamers in the UAE and we might decide to go with a batter instead of Stokes as the all rounder.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It's a proper conundrum, this one. Hard to second guess what they'll do. You need a maths degree to adequately sum up the equation.

I think Cook, Bell, Root, Moeen, Rashid and Broad are all shoo ins. That leaves five spots of whom one is a keeper, two will bowl seam and the other two will bat.

Personally I would go Buttler, then Anderson and Wood (or even Finn and Wood), then Hales and Taylor.

That leaves Stokes and Bairstow on the sidelines and they could each step into a couple of those roles.

Stokes is actually the key to the puzzle.

[MartinSAFC]

It's a proper conundrum, this one. Hard to second guess what they'll do. You need a maths degree to adequately sum up the equation.

I think Cook, Bell, Root, Moeen, Rashid and Broad are all shoo ins. That leaves five spots of whom one is a keeper, two will bowl seam and the other two will bat.

Personally I would go Buttler, then Anderson and Wood (or even Finn and Wood), then Hales and Taylor.

That leaves Stokes and Bairstow on the sidelines and they could each step into a couple of those roles.

Did Anderson bowl reasonably well in the UAE last time around (at least compared to our other seamers) or am I imagining things?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Buttler is by far the superior gloveman to Bairstow, which added to his x factor with the bat should see him selected in my view.

[MartinSAFC]

Buttler is by far the superior gloveman to Bairstow, which added to his x factor with the bat should see him selected in my view.

We didn't see much of this "x factor with the bat" in the summer. I would play Bairstow in the tests and hope Buttler returns to form in the one day stuff, if he does then he can be selected for the tests again.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Did Anderson bowl reasonably well in the UAE last time around (at least compared to our other seamers) or am I imagining things?

I seem to remember Broad outbowling him (Anderson was great in India the following winter). Regardless I'm not sure he's quite the same bowler now.

[Jimmy Floyd]

We didn't see much of this "x factor with the bat" in the summer. I would play Bairstow in the tests and hope Buttler returns to form in the one day stuff, if he does then he can be selected for the tests again.

That's why it's an x factor, if he averaged 70 doing it then he'd be a living all time legend. Bairstow can't change a session in the same way and lacks refinement with the gloves. You need different things in your batting lineup.

[Matt]

Stokes is definitley the key and I don't see him being left out of the side unless he's injured.

Which means he either plays as a batter whose also 4th choice seamer if required, Or he's the third seamer and we have Moeen at 8 and Rashid (Patel by the 2nd test after they have lost faith in Rashid again) at 9.

[Jimmy Floyd]

But would you really pick Stokes to bat ahead of Taylor or Bairstow? Or would you keep the miles in his legs for South Africa where he'll be indispensable?

[Matt]

But would you really pick Stokes to bat ahead of Taylor or Bairstow? Or would you keep the miles in his legs for South Africa where he'll be indispensable?

I wouldn't no. I think the selectors will do though

[MartinSAFC]

That's why it's an x factor, if he averaged 70 doing it then he'd be a living all time legend. Bairstow can't change a session in the same way and lacks refinement with the gloves. You need different things in your batting lineup.

I agree that Buttler is better with the gloves but Bairstow is the better batsman. I'm not expecting him to average 70 but somewhere around 30 would be good given the type of batsman he is. I just don't think he can achieve that at this stage.

[Jimmy Floyd]

All this is irrelevant anyway because of the Currans. I'm close to cracking emotionally.

[ItalAussie]

Cameron Bancroft is in the squad for Bangladesh. I'm quite excited about him, so hopefully he can make it stick. He's supposed to be an outstanding close-in fielder, so that's got to be a big point in his favour. There's lots of places up for grabs in the Australian side at the moment; hopefully he can lock one down.

[MartinSAFC]

All this is irrelevant anyway because of the Currans. I'm close to cracking emotionally.

Sam Curran has looked awesome every time I've seen him on Sky. Left armer, capable of reverse swing, decent pace already too and I hear he got runs the other day too. Definitely one to look out for, we might have see him in the England team in the near future.

[Jimmy Floyd]

There's no might, this is the actual messiah. Totally different league to say Flintoff.

[Max Power]

But would you really pick Stokes to bat ahead of Taylor or Bairstow? Or would you keep the miles in his legs for South Africa where he'll be indispensable?

Stokes' bowling might be quite effective. He gets it to reverse as much as anyone in that England team. And I would actually bat him ahead of Bairstow, Stokes is a bit streaky but it's got a brilliant Test innings in him, we've seen more than one already. Bairstow ain't good enough.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I kind of agree (especially on the bowling front) but if we go in with three non-batting seamers and then four of the other eight being Moeen, Stokes, Rashid and Buttler, we're looking pretty flimsy and reliant on the mercurial quartet coming off, which is lovely to have but I'm not sure we're ready to build our team around it on away tours.

God I miss Trott.

[Davgooner]

Trott misses Trott.

[Matt]

The club I play for is currently being screwed over due to the creation of a pyramid structure for cricket in Yorkshire being created. Our league will be merging with the Bradford league next year to create one of 4 ECB premier leagues in Yorkshire. The top division will contain no clubs from our league despite id say 4 of them being capable of challenging for the title.

The top 7 clubs from our league will go in alongside the clubs from the 2nd division of the Bradford league creating 2 conferences and then the bottom 5 clubs from our premier league will be relegated and go into below divisions alongside clubs from lower down out league. We finished 8th

So from 8th in the top division to the 3rd tier but effectively the 4th division next season. This was all decided 2 weeks before the end of the season as well.

[Jimmy Floyd]

But you have playoffs in Abu Dhabi, or so I read somewhere. It is definitely the way forward, the closed shop leagues of yore will just end up like the Lancs one and suffocate under their own pomposity.

League rejigs are always awkward at first but if you give it 2-3 years to settle down the cricket will be a lot more satisfying.

We have a dreamy structure down here. Leagues of 10 from top to bottom. No combination. Furthest journey is an hour or so, and two up two down which allows a club to find its level.

[Matt]

But you have playoffs in Abu Dhabi, or so I read somewhere. It is definitely the way forward, the closed shop leagues of yore will just end up like the Lancs one and suffocate under their own pomposity.

League rejigs are always awkward at first but if you give it 2-3 years to settle down the cricket will be a lot more satisfying.

We have a dreamy structure down here. Leagues of 10 from top to bottom. No combination. Furthest journey is an hour or so, and two up two down which allows a club to find its level.

Don't think we'll ever be needing our passports. You are right, and it will be nice not to have those 6-8 games were you know your getting beat before you've turned up. Just seems like the last 10 years of fighting to get to that level and showing we belong (we've finished 4th, 5th and 6th in previous seasons) have all been a waste and we're back to starting from the bottom again.

[Ian]

Popped back to the Titanic to get the Jimrage posts.

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I'm still awake, and angry, so I'll do a WDYTOE. Let's pretend for the sake of argument that the fifth Test has been called off for humanitarian reasons.

Cook
Shows the sort of leadership last exhibited by Captain Schettino when the Costa Concordia smashed into some rocks. Bowled the wrong bowlers at the wrong times, set horrible, defensive and inflexible fields, and then, once the series was lost, resorted to utterly bizarre shite in an attempt to ape his opposite number's (crap) Funky Fields. Selection also abysmal, for what part he has in it. With previous successes now confirmed as being down to his leading players, he's got to go, as captain, and concentrate on his batting, which - predictably - has turned to utter shite with him chasing and dabbing at wide filth outside the off stump like he probably chases and dabs at his wife outside the stables.

Carberry
Why do people constantly state he's a good fielder? He's not. Has at least applied himself with the bat, making him unique among the tour party, but is old and probably isn't quite good enough. Bye.

Trott
If anyone ever doubted the great man's value before, survey the apocalyptic scenes of doom before us now.

Root
Since the previously settled order has crumbled around him, seems to have suffered a crisis of identity and is much more successful at making 'who's a cheeky monkey?' grins than at any aspect of playing cricket. Has some nice shots in his locker, but seems petrified ever to play them. I'd put him back up to opener and back him for a bit.

Pietersen
He's never going to change, so we might as well keep him at number four until he finally minces his way into the record books. Has an ego to make Muhammad Ali look like a hermit living in the Swiss Alps by a forty year unbroken vow of silence.

Bell
Gah. Fucking hell, Ronald. If you start driving uppishly early in the innings again I'll have to take it all back.

Stokes
Has shown promise, albeit only actually in a single innings, but he's blatantly not a Test six. Bowling fine. Saying he's the light at the end of the tunnel is massively overdoing it, but he's worth persisting with.

Ballance
Has emerged with the most credit of all England batsmen on the tour, by virtue of never having left the fucking nets. Might as well be Lara.

Prior
Bye. In every sense. I hope he doesn't go in vogue and Retire From All Cricket because in April I'm going to take a trip to Hove to watch him with his hands in his pockets, fielding at third slip for the Sussex 2s against fucking Cardiff MCCU as he bids to regain his form enough if not to get an IPL or Big Bash contract, then certainly to have a stab at Bangladesh. 'One thing I know about this Barisal Burners team is that we always come out fighting'.

Bairstow
Not good enough with bat or gloves. Will probably become a Ramprakash figure. Bye.

Broad
Criminally underbowled at times by Cook, by far our most impressive bowler (though still gets too obsessed with our crap PLAN of bowling short all the time) and if any of the current shower of absolutely putrid shite could have even a look at being the next captain, it might be him - although even suggesting that makes me feel like I have AIDS. However, his batting, which on natural ability should be a very handy second string to his bow, is instead a total embarrassment to him and his family.

Bresnan
Bowls a heavy ball, keeps the run rate down, will never let the side down, useful with the bat, etc. Let's face it, he's fucking shit, has always been fucking shit, and always will be fucking shit. Fuck off. Bye.

Tremlett
We might as well have brought a photograph of Tremlett for all the use he has been. His top level career is over, I warned the England selectors about this all summer having actually watched him play then as opposed to whipping out the DVD of 2010/11 for a cheap Thursday night wank. But did they listen? Did they fuck. Bye.

Anderson
Let's not kid ourselves that a 'lack of assistance' or 'the Kookaburra ball' is at fault for Jimmy's failings in the series. No. He bowled beautifully in Australia last time out and has done so in all conditions, all around the world. What's at fault for his failings is the fact that he's been programmed into needing to swing the ball - conventionally or reverse - by the England stat computers so much that he's forgotten how to actually bowl, hence the humiliating episodes every innings when he tells Aleem Dharmasena that the ball is out of shape after three overs. It was so in 'helpful conditions' in the summer as much as here. Probably deserves the Sri Lanka series as a final chance to sort himself out.

Finn
Another example, along with the above and others, of the cancerous effect of our 'scientific' management on our best talent. Here we have a raw talent who has all the things you can't teach - so we decide to fucking unteach them, and try and make him more like Timothy Twatface Bresnan. It is, in sporting terms and for Finn as a man, a tragedy.

Rankin
Why would you take him on tour if you have no intention of trying him out, even amidst the wreckage of the most embarrassing attempt at a Test series in the last 25 years? He's 29, so not a youngster as everyone seems to assume, and if not good enough for Tests, surely you'd know that before bothering to tempt him over from Ireland?

Swann
RIP. Bye.

Panesar
The England Setup clearly fucking despise this man, and all spinners not called Swann. First they didn't select him in Dubai, then they didn't select him in Ahmedabad, then they selected Kerrigan over him after he was pissing on bouncers, and finally Cook starts bowling Joe Root ahead of him here. What's going on? I doubt they'll pick him again after this tour.

Management
Flower's time has run its course, while Gooch and Saker also have to go. In their place I would suggest Ashley Giles and Graham Thorpe would be a good start. Less southern African thinking required, more Englishness. Also, I am reliably informed that James Taylor's height is what keeps him out of the team. You what? Selection is batshit mental and clearly picked off some graph that doesn't mean anything.

So this is an approximation of what I reckon we should start next summer with:

Cook
Root
Bell/Trott
Pietersen
Bell/Taylor/Ballance
- (wk)
Stokes
- (spinner)
Broad (c)
Finn/a young quick (not Tymal fucking Mills)
Anderson/a genius 1990 style journeyman

Then hopefully, by the time MS Hitler brings the Nazis over for their five match series, a few people will have stood up in county cricket and sensed their opportunity.

Last year these were my thoughts on the Ashes, and I hoped I would never have to write such a cathartic rant post again but here we are, and here we go. Let's start with the players.

Morgan
This bloke has puzzled me for a long time but in this tournament I've finally chanced upon what he is - a fucking shitcunt version of KP, who, himself already a fucking shitcunt, is setting the bar very high. Morgan has totalled about one good year in an England shirt and on his day etc etc - I don't care. Ultimately you have to ask why he has come over the sea. He doesn't give a fuck about playing for England, as he has shown on numerous occasions and not just with the anthem, so you can only imagine he came here to enrich himself on the back of English cricket. Fine, many have, but England captain? Once you get past the pleasant manner and the come-to-bed eyes he's just another underperforming cunt who can fuck off. Put him on the ferry at Liverpool and let him play for a country he wants to play for. Shouldn't play for England in any format again.

Moeen Ali
This morning I saw a picture of him playing chess with Ravi Bopara, which appeared to have been taken by an ECB sniper. I like to imagine that it was a piece of performance art, a cry for help. He's a fucking legend. We don't deserve him.

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Ian Bell
I really want Ronald to be the best player ever but the fact is, the guy has spent his entire life at fucking Loughborough and it shows when the crunch comes. He's never been a good enough one day cricketer, because one day cricket is about big, swinging testicles and unfortunately Ronald's have to be hoovered out of his ginger perineum every morning. Shouldn't play in one dayers again.

Alex Hales - he has a shit technique, I don't really rate him and he is one of those guys (like Stokes) who people latch onto and turn into the Messiah because he's not in the team. He does at least take the bowling on but he is not the future and is frankly no better than ordinary. That's the sad truth.

Barry Gallance - I have watched Barry smash the fuck out of T20 and one dayers with Yorkshire, so ultimately his utter fucking disaster of a tournament has to be another for the long, Tolkien-esque book of people England have made worse. He has come into the side because they want a batsman, they've put something through a computer and told him he has to be their solid number three, and it's broken him, as has the humdrum tedium of having to have 800 throw downs from Simon Short-Shorts and his dog chucker every day. I want Barry to go back to topless nightclub singing. He enjoyed that.

Joe Root
I love Root. He has talent, he has guts, he has a pair and he's the future, and now the present, of English cricket. Make him captain of everything.

James Taylor
The ECB's treatment of Taylor is the cricketing equivalent of that woman who was filmed putting a cat in a bin. Reliable sources have told me he wasn't picked for years because 'DATA' (hopefuly this is now a thing) suggested he was too short for international cricket, despite being taller than arguably the greatest batsman to play the game since the war. When finally picked, he has been moved up and down the order according to the needs of other people, all of whom make lesser contributions than he. He must now be treated as an asset in all formats.

Ravi Bopara
We've been trying him for fucking years and he never does anything. Why the fucking fuck was he in Australia? We have aggressive, stylish batsmen like Vince and Roy not even threatening the squad because this dickhead and his little no-backlift pushes behind point are deemed a crucial cog in the machine. Fuck off and take your shithouse bowling with you. Shouldn't play for England again.

Jos Buttler
If he's been a bit under par its because our batting plan is 'lose loads of early wickets while scoring at a poor rate, and then hope Jos hits 150 off 40 balls'. Like all our other shit plans, this one has been execution-free. Obviously a big player going forward along with Root, Moeen and Taylor.

Chris Woakes
I have always been a fan, and still am despite his complete inability to think for himself on a cricket field, but that started to diminish when the other day I heard him say 'execute our plans/skills' in five consecutive sentences. I'll stop here to explain why skill execution is so sinister and wrong. It implies that a textbook skill is perfectly formed and can be pumped into the very flesh and bone of Chris Woakes, and then it's down to him to execute it and the coach can say not me guv. What it does is elevate the coach and the analyst to a level above the player, which is not surprising since it's them who came up with the concept. It's also the reason why everyone - EVERYONE - must be sacked.

Chris Jordan
Can't blame him.

Stuart Broad
I was dreading getting to this absolute CUNT of a man because with everyone else a bit of sweary slagging off is enjoyable, but with this fucking disgusting person it just makes me more and more angry. In the first game against Australia he repeatedly ran away from the ball like a little girl, which for an international cricketer claiming to bat at 9 is pathetic, and that summed up his World Cup - averaging less than 3 with the bat and almost 80 with the ball. He's a coward, he's a simpleton, he's a cunt and the ECB gave his sister a job as an analyst, which is BCCI-esque. He has to go. I can't bear it any more. Oh and as Alex Hales so neatly puts it, who indeed does have their initials on a golf shirt? https://twitter.com/AlexHales1/statu...32242029547520

Steven Finn
If you took his pants off you would find a penis and then a void behind it with a stamp saying DAVID SAKER WOS ERE. He bowls like he's on death row, with no conviction, with no venom, with no confidence. But can you blame him? This is a setup that intentionally drains all of those things from anyone who had them initially. He is done, he is finished, and so is England.

James Anderson
He was past it as a one day cricketer at the last World Cup, we rest him from every one day series, so he turns up at the next World Cup, bowls like a hologram and people are surprised? Fucking get rid.

James Tredwell
He's probably just made his own way home by now.

Management
It doesn't matter if we sack Peter Moores. The next person will be the same. The ECB has built a system in which conformity is paramount, whilst individuality and fun and joy are to be distrusted and stamped out at all levels. It broke Jonathan Trott, by all accounts the most decent man in those better England sides, not that that was any great achievement. It's broken Steven Finn. It's well on its way to breaking Ballance.

They are such a corporate set of cunts that they feel everything has to be controlled by them and the protection of revenue and the brand is the only thing worth fighting for. The England brand must be worth about 3p by now, but they still cling on.

David Saker is a fucking useless cunt, and I have no idea how he still has a job. Moores seems to be broken, has failed miserably twice, and has to go. Downton is an absolutely ridiculous fungus of a man and has to go. But none of these people has to go like the one who has seemingly permanently entombed himself at the centre of English cricket, Giles Clarke, who has damaged our game, damaged the world game and all whilst aping David Mellor. If he drowned tomorrow I genuinely wouldn't be that upset. In fact, fuck that, I'd pay to watch it.

I love cricket, like thousands of others I put a lot of time into the game, and we all get up at 4am and watch these cunts represent us and we deserve better. They can all fuck off and some new ones can come in. We were fucking shit in the 90s, but at least then we were shit for the right reasons. This time we're shit because parasitical cunts have made us so and it didn't need to happen.

[Max Power]

Great work Ian. And Jimmy obvs.

That Moeen/Ravi chess photo taken by 'ECB snipers' is fucking gold. Might make it my phone wallpaper.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Their chess positions are familiar. Moeen has a slightly questionable defence, but it's an attractive style of play and he's gained the upper hand. Ravi, meanwhile, sets up very solidly, but you have to question where it's all actually going.

[Jimmy Floyd]

http://www.espncricinfo.com/banglade...ry/923531.html

Wouldn't blame them for not going, Bangladesh is becoming ever more ISIS-y.

[Jimmy Floyd]

They've only gone and opened with Moeen in the first warm-up.

[Max Power]

Seems to be that he and Hales will get a warm up match each to show what they can do.

Root in prime form already obviously

[Davgooner]

Bairstow and Stokes at 5 and 6 is fucking depressing. The latter is going to get absolutely taken apart over there.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Both will be. We went with a ginger 5-6 combo last time in the UAE. I remember one particular evening session of Ajmal bowling to Morgan with about 35 men around the bat which was just terrifying.

[Danny]

Bairstow looking like the lesser of the ginger bomb scares so far

[niko_cee]

Yeah, good to see 'Jos' playing himself into a bit of form as well.

[Jimmy Floyd]

India got a right royal roasting off the biltong brothers earlier, and their fans celebrated by bottling the pitch on three occasions. They're really not conditioned to accept defeat over there, which is why the IPL is such a thing for them, because India always wins.

[Davgooner]

Ice-filled towel.

[niko_cee]

I know warm-up games being a shambles is a modern staple, but they seem to be taking the piss with these ones.

Pak A: 192-12

[Jimmy Floyd]

Some bloke got two ducks.

We seem to be running with Moeen opening. My gawd. That must mean three seamers AND Stokes, and Rashid no doubt. Dat batting.

[Max Power]

Samit for Bairstow. Imagine the bowling options, not all great options , but options nonetheless.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Think of the variety too. Off spin, left arm orthodox, leg spin, and whatever Joe Root bowls (right arm earnest?). All of it rubbish, but that doesn't matter.

We really should have left Jimmy at home for this. Oh well.

[Blitz]

Our game got "rained" out today. As I have it, no rain actually fell from when the broadcast started, but the outfield was wet, and stayed wet enough throughout for it to be cancelled.

Now, my question is: Eden Gardens is supposedly one of the best cricket venues going around. How can their drainage be so poor that they couldn't even manage a game? How could they be so poor at clearing the outfield?
Couple this with the piss poor scenes of the 2nd T20i, in conclusion, fuck India, even more than usual.

[Max Power]

Think of the variety too. Off spin, left arm orthodox, leg spin, and whatever Joe Root bowls (right arm earnest?). All of it rubbish, but that doesn't matter.

We really should have left Jimmy at home for this. Oh well.

Imagine Trotty's medium pace in there as well!

[Jimmy Floyd]

Sadly I can't find a video of his legendary exploits in Dubai last time round so we'll have to make do with the cricinfo line to prove it happened.

67.6 70.0 mph, that's a masterstroke by Strauss! The innocuous Trott gets a wicket, he lands it a shade outside off and gets it to come in slightly, Younis gets his front pad across and didn't appear to offer a proper shot, he was half forward, hits him in line with the stumps and Bowden sends him marching 202/4

[Danny]

https://youtu.be/QB6pmXSTMIg?t=512